DAY THIRTEEN

CAMEL steak, misheard words and the first public vote off – day twelve saw the reign of Duncan Bannatyne’s Team Pink reach new heights and revealed that Chris Eubank is a sneaky type.

The day kicked off with three campmates taking part in a bush tucker challenge.

Geordie Shore’s Vicky Pattison volunteered to do the trial from Team Pink and competed against ex-footballer Kieron Dyer and Spandau Ballet’s Tony Hadley.

They crawled through critter-infested glass tunnels to collect stars using some nifty tongue work.

With seconds to spare, Kieron just edged in front of Vicky and got the stars. “So p***** off!” Vicky wailed in dismay.

Meanwhile back in camp scheming ex-boxer Chris Eubank made Ferne McCann believe he had said Duncan Bannatyne, not Team Purple, in regards to which team should be sent to Snake Rock exile next.

“I said Duncan not purple!” the monocle-wearing Eubank insisted. “Duncan sounds like purple!”

Ferne replied uncertainly: “I’m pretty sure you said purple.”

A sepia-toned flashback revealed that Chris had indeed - with the clearest intonation - said purple, yet smiled sagely on as Ferne, head in hands, dissolved in a pool of tears at her “mishap”.

Later Purple Bannatyne - sorry Duncan Bannatyne - prevailed in another challenge with Team Pink and celebrated winning immunity while the other nine celebrities faced the live public vote off at Snake Rock.

The Dragon’s Den star sniggered: “That camp's all cramped and on basic rations…I’m gonna start crying thinking about them.”

As he tucked into a titillating feast of camel, he expressed his love for fellow Team Pink members George Shelley and Vicky Pattison.

“I love them like I love my children. I’d like to adopt both of them.”

They may have been immune - but the others were up for the public vote, and fashionista Susannah Constantine was first to be voted off the camp.

DAY TWELVE

IMMUNITY, whining and a lot of fuchsia – day twelve saw everyone’s nerves reach breaking point with Lady C’s tantrums.

Socialite Lady Colin Campbell kicked off the day with an optimistic start, refusing to do the challenge because of yesterday’s explosive rows with her and most of the camp.

She said: “After what happened yesterday I am not prepared to reward people who have ganged up against me. I have lost all team spirit.”

Duncan Bannatyne clashed again with the Lady, saying “It’s a very selfish act. If she’s trying to prove a point to the public by not doing the challenges it’s a no win situation for us because they’ll just keep voting for her to do them.”

Brian Friedman – also not a Lady C fan - offered: “She wants to win for the remodel of her castle.”

Fashionista Susannah Constantine added grumpily: “I just want to tell her to grow up.”

Later the camp was divided into teams to face the bush tucker challenge - navigating keys through three cubicles using a series of magnetic mazes in the midst some creepy crawlies.

Duncan, Geordie Shore’s Vicky Pattison and boyband member George Shelley all dressed in a fetching shade of fuchsia to make up Team Pink.

Vicky, who had previously branded Duncan “an old fox” had a little flirt with the Scotsman.

As he deadpanned “So obviously you’re not bringing the brains” she cheekily replied “I thought you were bringing the brawn?”

Duncan also offered his mathematical mind to solve some sums during the challenge, prompting Vicky to brand him 'Rain Man'.

The Pink Team prevailed, nailing the challenge in 17 minutes and 15 seconds. 

They banished Team Green – made up of Lady C, Susannah Constantine and Yvette Fielding - to Snake Rock to face the first live public vote off tomorrow.

DAY ELEVEN

EXPLETIVES, tantrums and usurpers – complete anarchy struck on day eleven of I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.

The night before Tony Hadley and Jorgie Porter had refused to be bellhop and chambermaid for Lady C, Kieron Dyer and Chris Eubank’s night of luxury in the jungle.

And when the trio returned from their gentle spooning, Lady C made sure it was the hot topic in camp.

She started off by saying, ”We are not going to tell anybody who supported Tony and Jorgie.”

Duncan Bannatyne immediately shut it down: “Well that’s all of us so just shut up. We are 100 per cent together the nine of us, so that’s it.”

As the argument escalated Lady C muttered under her breath “Tossers, tossers the bunch of them.”

She then launched a spectacular rant at Brian Friedman, a rant so poetic it rivalled the likes of Byron and Milton: “You, my friend, have verbal diarrhoea. You’re so full of s*** if you took an enema you would disappear off the face of the earth. Self-important little runt.”

Brings a tear to the eye, it really does.

As Lady C and Kieron Dyer went over the argument again, a gently slumbering Duncan rose and unleashed hell.

The Dragon’s Den star marched over to them and said: “Right can you f****** give up so we can get some f****** sleep.

He then launched the tirade at Kieron: “I don’t know why you’re f****** sat there, you’re the one causing all the f****** s***.”

The Scotsman did feel remorseful though - as Kieron threatened to walk out of the jungle - and apologised for his behaviour.

And the day got even worse for Duncan as in the evening he had to hand over his camp leader crown to Geordie lass Vicky Pattison.

 

DAY TEN

CHOC ices, dingo dimes and finger licking – day nine saw Duncan clash with Brian Friedman…and then get seriously cosy with Ferne McCann.

The battle of the egos was on as Brian and Duncan debated how best to use the Dingo Dimes – jungle currency that could buy crisps and chocolate from the vending machine.

Brian and Tony Hadley suggested they save the Dimes for the last survivors at the end of the competition, to which camp leader Duncan rebuked: “Hey - you two can’t just discuss that and then that’s the rule.”

Brian retorted scathingly: “No, I thought we were doing a majority vote. You were probably sleeping Duncan honestly.”

“Some majority,” Bannatyne shot back, pointing at Brian and Tony.

With tensions rising Duncan confessed that he thought the celebrity choreographer was “desperate” to be camp leader.

And he wasn’t far off, as Brian confided to Yvette: “I love being a boss, It’s just a better position for me.”

Later Duncan got cosy (again) with his new girl playthings Vicky Pattison and Ferne McCann.

Although Vicky confessed yesterday she thought Duncan was “an old fox” and a “sort”, it was Essex girl Ferne that the Dragon’s Den star seemed to have his sights on.

As the troublesome trio tucked into a hamper of choc ices, Duncan became so animated that he painstakingly licked the ice cream off Ferne’s middle finger.

Vicky declared: “We were like animals. We savoured every last morsel.”

DAY NINE

JUNGLE crushes, old foxes and camp leaders - day eight saw Duncan Bannatyne become the hunk of the jungle.

It seems Duncan's new role as camp leader has made him a bit of a hit with the ladies.

He may have celebrated six-month anniversary with girlfriend Nigora White last Thursday, but that didn't stop reality star Vicky Pattison, 28, revealing her crush on him.

As she gossiped on a hammock with Ferne McCann, 25, she said, "I'm so frustrated there's no fit men."

Ferne replied: "Out of everyone in here I think I know who yours would be...it's Duncan isn't it?"

Vicky conceded: "If I had to do a bit with anyone in this jungle I'd be doing a bit of Duncan Bannatyne. He's an old fox isn't he, he's an old sort."

In her signature innuendo-laden speak, the former Geordie Shore star added lasciviously: "If he came round mine with his ice cream van I would well get a 99. He's got a bit of charisma about him, there's millions and millions of reasons why I find Duncan attractive."

The man of the hour sauntered in, saying "What are you laughing about?" to which Vicky replied "Just that you're a bit of a sort" and Ferne added "You are the hunk of the camp."

He may be a cut-throat businessman in the boardroom but Duncan came over all bashful in the jungle, saying, "Thank you very much. That's a real compliment for a 66-year-old pensioner."

DAY EIGHT

VOMIT-STAINED clothes, dejected clowns and camp leaders – day eight kicked off with several revelations; Duncan Bannatyne is truly appalling at housework and he is a master of suspense.

Brian Friedman announced that Duncan was “terrible at doing laundry”, returning the clothes – post wash - with leaves, cockroaches and vomit on them.

Duncan said cheekily: “I hate the washing. They were complaining that it wasn’t done properly. They were complaining that it wasn’t dry. There’s no pleasing these people!”

Next Ferne McCann and Vicky Pattison, dressed as deranged clowns, braced dizzying heights for the challenge.

Vicky directed a blindfolded Ferne down a thin suspended ledge that teetered thousands of feet above the jungle.

Ferne had to go into a perspex box swarming with green ants, and for the final flourish was instructed to go down a slide and catch a star in the air – and missed.

“Gutted,” Ferne said, like a dejected Koko the clown. “I’m gutted.”

Later the public elected Duncan as camp leader and the Scotsman sat proudly on his red throne while his camp mates eagerly swarmed around him, on “tenterhooks” as to who he would elect as deputy leader.

He may have left Dragon’s Den last year, but the entrepreneur clearly hasn’t lost his knack for cut-throat suspense - finally choosing ex-footballer Kieron Dyer as his right-hand man.

Susannah Constantine may have said she trusted Duncan as leader, but the Scot, with a mischievous glint, revealed he gave his nemesis Lady C the task of laundry “so she would have to go down to the creek and away from me.” Oh Duncan, stop it.

He offloaded the I'm A Celebrity task on former top boxer Chris Eubank and also author Lady Colin Campbell, with whom he has been bickering on the ITV show.

Lady Colin - known as Lady C - has called Bannatyne a "mouse" and a "little pussy". He accused her of a "lack of breeding" and added: "What a nasty woman you are."

Eubank had a private word with Bannatyne and voiced his concerns about Lady C climbing over rocks to do the laundry, saying it could be dangerous.

Bannatayne shrugged his shoulders, to be told by Eubank: "Don't shrug your shoulder."

Bannatyne replied: "She's been down there before. I've no intention of changing, the rota stays as it is."

Earlier Brian Friedman made clear he was fed up with his laundry not being up to standard.

He said: "I'm sick of having no clothes and waiting for someone to do them. Duncan, who was on laundry, was terrible at it, our clothes were returned covered in leaves and smelling like cockroaches and vomit."

Bannatyne laughed then: "I hate washing, no pleasing these people."

Former Spandau Ballet lead singer Tony Hadley chipped in: "Duncan is not a bloke you can imagine down the creek doing the washing. If I'm honest, and I'm not being funny, but two ladies would be much better than Duncan."

Vicky Pattison of Geordie Shore said: "So Tony has announced that women are better at laundry and doing the washing than men are - right, OK, there's me thinking I'm in the jungle, not some time machine!"

Vicky and fellow late entrant on the show Ferne McCann, of The Only Way is Essex, won some meals for the camp when they battled, dressed as clowns, through an ordeal called Horror Flying Circus.

They had to make their way to a hi-wire which had two gangplanks. One would face a course of obstacles.

When they came to a star they had to throw it to their fellow celebrity on the opposite gangplank. For every star they collected, they would receive two meals for camp.

To make things more difficult, the celebrity on the obstacle gangplank would be blindfolded meaning the other had to shout directions.

They managed to collect a total of three stars and six meals for camp.

Boyband star George Shelley of Union J announced to camp that Bannatyne was the new leader as voted for by the public.

"I'm shocked and honoured to be voted," said Bannatyne.

Friedman asked to be chef and Bannatyne ribbed him after he had complained about his laundry skills. He decided on former footballer Kieron Dyer as his deputy.

On being told she would be on laundry duties, Lady C said: "I must have done the laundry when I was married because my husband certainly did nothing."

Friedman helped Lady C down the creek, by holding her hand, to do the laundry with Eubank - he wanted to make sure she did not slip on any rocks.

Made In Chelsea star Spencer Matthews has headed back to Britain, leaving the show behind, after he quit over his use of steroid-based medication.

He began his journey back to London from Brisbane Airport on Saturday after he left the programme on medical grounds.

In a statement, the 26-year-old admitted he had made a "serious error" taking the pills.

He said: "Shortly after I arrived in Australia I told the production team that I was taking a steroid-based medication that had begun some weeks ago.

"When I started taking this programme of pills it was in preparation for a charity boxing match which, ironically, never took place."

He added: "Taking these pills was a serious error of judgment, which I hugely regret.

"I have disappointed my family, friends and fans and would like to apologise. I would like to thank ITV for the opportunity and their support, they're a class act.

"I loved every minute of being in the jungle and wish the remaining contestants the best of luck. Hoping for another shot at it some day."

DAY SEVEN

CANS of soup, tomato soup and more soup – the feud between Lady C and Duncan Bannatyne reached new tomato-ey heights with the onset of Soup Gate.

It started off so innocently. Lady Colin Campbell, who had nabbed a can of tomato soup from the vending machine, said she didn’t want to give the whole can to the other (starving) camp, Snake Rock.

Duncan said gruffly: “Just let them have the whole tin, they’ve been starving for three days. We’ve having a banquet later.”

Lady C retaliated with: “Most of you have to consider the effect you’re having on the British public. I don’t have to. I couldn’t give a flying f***”

In rising tones Bannatyne said: “Right there’s 12 of us, so we’ll give you one twelfth of a can,” to which Lady C murmured “I don’t want it…” and Duncan, now a fetching shade of purple, seethed, “Right well make your bloody mind up.”

Geordie Shore’s Vicky Pattison confessed to camera: “Seeing LCC kick off and Duncan Bannatyne lose his rag – I’m not gonna lie, I felt intimidated.”

As Lady C continued to suggest giving three quarters instead of a whole can, the Dragon’s Den star truly lost it.

“IT’S A TIN OF TOMATO SOUP. FOR CHRIST SAKE’S. ONE TIN OF TOMATO SOUP. LET THEM HAVE IT. END OF STORY.”

Then, in a confusing twist, Soup Gate took on a socio-economic tone.

Lady C drawled at Duncan: “I’m not interested in your money. You’re poverty stricken compared to what I’ve turned down.”

Duncan, who was brought up in a council flat, said “There’s no shame in being poor! There’s no shame in being working class!”

Later, as the Snake Rock tribe returned with jubilant cries to Croc Camp, Duncan pulled Brian Friedman aside and handed him the fabled can of soup.

Brian said: “It was the sweetest thing ever. You could just feel that he was trying to help.”

Meanwhile arch nemesis Lady C again raised the important question of whether the whole can would be used.

A now slightly hysterical and strangely sweaty Tony Hadley pleaded: “Can we stop talking about a stupid can of soup. It’s driving me up the bloody wall.”

Lady C, seemingly defeated, muttered darkly: “They’re all just tossers of the highest order.”

Imagine the anarchy if some scheming producer throws a can of peas into the mix.

DAY SIX

CRITTER gameshows, jungle pearls and the mental breakdown of Duncan Bannatyne – day six finally saw the return of TV’s Mr Nasty.

As socialite Lady Colin Campbell was sent to do a bush tucker trial, Duncan Bannatyne revealed the fiery ‘I’m oot’ persona we’d been waiting for.

The Scotsman ranted: “She’s entertaining in small f****** doses. It was not an emotional goodbye for me to see Lady C leave camp today. I’m glad to see the back of her.”

Lady C, decked out in a tasteful display of a billion jewels or “jungle pearls”, joined choreographer Brian Friedman and Jorgie Porter to play Every Critter Counts.

The gently sadistic gameshow involved groping rats in a box, trying not to swallow bulbous, wriggling grubs and – the old classic - drowning in a sea of cockroaches.

Lady C somehow won with three points. Before her return to Crock Creek the other campmates discussed the decrepit old bat. And then they discussed Lady C too.

Lady C: "She's entertaining in small f****** doses."

Tony Hadley insisted “She’s got a good heart, she does have a good heart” while George Shelley mewed “I really hope she did alright”.

After a beat’s silence Duncan grunted: “Doolally. Off her head. She’s completely bonkers.”

In other news, Vicky Pattison spoke of her reality regrets on Geordie Shore.

The Newcastle born lass said: “I massively regret having sex on telly. I’m quite precious about having sex. When I have sex with someone it’s because I love them.”

And finally Made In Chelsea lothario Spencer Matthews was unexpectedly forced to leave camp, leaving a forlorn trail of gel and chest hair in his wake.

DAY FIVE

BED-HOPPING, supersized crabs and jungle exile – things were getting saucy on day five of I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.

Viewers were shocked to see Duncan Bannatyne indulge in some late-night bed-hopping with a well-known socialite.

In other words he crashed onto Lady Colin Campbell’s camp bed in the dark after taking a sly dump in the jungle - and then tried to style it out.

The Scotsman, looking distinctly sheepish, said: “I told Lady C I’d stumbled because I didn’t want to tell her I’d tried to get into bed with her.”

Meanwhile reality has beens Vicky Pattison, Spencer Matthews and Ferne McCann awoke in a separate camp after a sleep uninterrupted by toilet tumbles.

TOWIE export Ferne confessed she thought flirty sparks were already flying between Geordie Sopre’s Vicky and Made In Chelsea's smuggest lothario Spencer.

The pleasantries didn’t last long though as they headed for the Dice Game of Danger, where they were showered with crickets, cockroaches, rats and crabs the size of small houses.

Despite Vicky’s fighting talk - “I’m gonna show those bugs whose boss. I’m bigger, I’m more evolved, I’m higher in the food chain” – Ferne prevailed and sent Spencer into the ferny exile of Snake Rock.

While Ferne and Vicky debated who should join him they hastily skimmed over subject of Duncan “I’m oot” Bannatyne with feverish whispers of “No, not Duncan. Not Duncan, no, he won’t take it well.”

So Hollyoaks actress Jorgie Porter, charmingly labelled a “lovely bit of kit” by Vicky, was banished and encouraged to resist Spencer's charms.

DAY FOUR

A SMELLY foot, jungle wives and beach bums – it’s a jungle out there in I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.

Day four kicked off with Duncan Bannatyne lounging on a camp bed, asking his “jungle wife” Yvette Fielding “Is my hair ok?”

“Yes, you’re a sexy beast,” Yvette declared.

Ms Fielding then placed a blister on Duncan’s “smelly, cheesy foot” while the former Dragon’s Den star lay on his side, keening and puffing like a cow in labour.

Despite their growing closeness, Duncan assured his girlfriend Nigora Whitehorn there was no hanky panky in the jungle.

“Yvette is my jungle wife. She has decided that we’re married. It’s a very, very platonic marriage and if my girlfriend is watching – I love you.”

During some campfire bonding Mr Bannatyne revealed his dad was a prisoner-of-war for five years, he grew up on a council estate, joined the Royal Navy at 15 and by 29 was a beach bum in the Channel Islands.

“A year after that I purchased an ice cream van and that was the start of my business career,” he said. “Once I started making money I knew I didn’t want to be poor again.”

Choreographer Brian Friedman gushed: “It’s really astounding that you can turn yourself around like that, he’s legendary.”

Later the younger campmates won three stars for the elders after being showered with cockroaches on a ghost train.

Union J’s George Shelley gushed: “I’m so happy I can say to Duncan ‘we’ve got you a hot meal’ because he really needs one.”

DAY TWO

CROCODILE genitalia, celebrity strops and some delirious harmonising – what you need to know about the second episode of I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.

Day two kicked off with a jaunty tune or two as the camp broke into a spontaneous, slightly hysterical rendition of Pharrell Williams’ hit single ‘Happy’.

Duncan Bannatyne, while admiring boxer Chris Eubank’s mildly alarming gyrations or ‘dance moves’ declared: “I think we’ll get to know Chris a lot better. I hope we do anyway. His dancing is amazing.”

After all that gaiety, viewers were given the opportunity to swallow their own tepid bile with the arrival of the bush tucker challenge – “Disaster Chef”.

Hollyoaks actress Jorgie Porter enjoyed a ‘Spanish Vom-lette’ where she swallowed three live cockroaches, followed by the delectable Spaghetti Bollock-naise – two turkey’s testicles swimming in worms.

“I can feel their legs!” Jorgie shrieked deliriously mid-retch. About the worms.

Meanwhile socialite Lady Colin Campbell dined on a feast of three crickets, hairy camel lips and crocodile anus, tucking in with all the terrifying grandeur of a diner at a Michelin starred restaurant.

DAY ONE

WRITHING snakes, vertigo inducing helicopter rides and over-inflated celebrity egos – it could only be the new series of I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here’.

Three weeks of jungle madness kicked off on Sunday night with Darlington-based businessman and former Dragon’s Den star Duncan Bannatyne staying true to his sharp-tongued ways.

The 66-year-old ‘I’m oot’ entrepreneur professed: “I’m a bit bad tempered and a bit short. If people are moaning all the time they should leave.”

He was joined by Hollyoaks lass Jorgie Porter, Tony Hadley of Spandeau Ballet fame, Most Haunted presenter Yvette Fielding and champion boxer Chris Eubank.

The celebrities were given a taste of the high life as they entered the jungle in individual helicopters with Yvette squawking “Oh my god, is that Duncan Bannatyne?” while Duncan gave a cheery wave from his helicopter.

Campmates were then sorted in the yellow team – headed by fashionista Susannah Constantine -which consisted of Duncan Bannatyne, Brian Friedman, Yvette Fielding and Chris Eubank.

The red team, led by Tony Hadley, boasted George Shelley, Kieron Dyer, Jorgie Porter, Lady Colin Campbell.

The first challenge included passing a key along a hollow log infested with writhing scorpions, crabs and snakes.

Duncan, decked out in a fetching yellow bandana, effortlessly navigated the (tiny) scorpions without so much as a whimper.

Fellow team member Yvette had a little more trouble, breaking out into operatic trembles as her hand appeared to brush against a snake.

Meanwhile Jorgie Porter on the red team – who had previously exclaimed “I’m fine with doing disgusting things; I will eat willies” - seemed on the verge of a nervous breakdown as she squealed “I keep touching their eyes!” The eyes of the crabs that is.

Despite other minor hiccups, namely Susannah looking as though she had a case of severe indigestion as she tried to wrench the key from a rat’s gnashers, the yellow team won.

The losing red team were forced to eject a member of their team and George Shelley of Union J fame was unceremoniously given the boot.

Next came the bush tucker trial where celebrities were suspended in metal cages and sprayed with up to 30,000 critters. Lady Colin Campbell languidly looked on without so much as a cockroach down the neck, while Tony Hadley fought off thousands of cockroaches.

Other challenges included Susannah and Jorgie going head to head as they jumped out of helicopters with heart monitors strapped to them.

The winner was the person who kept their heart rate the lowest, and pint-sized soap star Jorgie prevailed.

Amidst the squeals and general disgust, choreographer Brian Friedman also came out with such heartwarming phrases as “I worry about my bitch coming out” and "Life is a competition and I'm winning".

Whether Duncan and Tony Hadley, in opposing teams, will compete for the role of alpha male in the critter infested Australian jungle is to be decided, but Duncan, with his level-headed approach to the challenges, already seems like a front-runner.

So if you thought you should probably branch out to a new reality show – you’d be barking up the wrong tree. And that’s our list of tree puns exhausted. Fir now.