SOMETIMES the column is written by Monday. A child has done something oh so hilarious over the weekend and other semi-interesting subjects have just popped into my head from nowhere. This is not one of those times.

It's Wednesday afternoon and the cupboard is bare. I have not got a single idea, other than asking for an even bigger picture of Peppa Pig. Actually that's not strictly true. I do have one subject I want to tackle, but I'm not sure I dare. Hmm. I wonder. Oh heck, let's just go for it. What's mortgage insurance for anyway?

It's immigration. I'm really upset about immigration. And apparently I'm not the only one. Parliamentary candidates knocking on doors in the Richmond constituency say it's one of the top concerns voiced by residents.

I know what they mean. Enough is enough. These people, they come over here taking the jobs we don't really want - it makes me want to vomit on the viburnum border.

Immigrants are everywhere in the Dales, working on the farms, in some of the pubs and the restaurants, in the creamery, everywhere. Their accents give them away. Not their English vocabulary of course, just their accents. You can't move for them, going about our businesses. Tapping into our tax system and then popping back home before they become a burden. Those that want to stay, what a flippin' cheek, coming here to make a better life for themselves and in the process filling up our rural schools which are bursting at the seams.

And don't get me started on the Fijians and the Nepalese who come over here to be trained at Catterick Garrison so they can fight to the death to defend our country. They are the worst, especially when they act inappropriately to our women in nightclubs as the locals stand around being chivalrous before escorting drunken girls home.

Okay so we don't mind these immigrants. It's all the others that we see on late-night Channel 5 television documentaries that we are really concerned about. After all the country is filling up. There's not enough houses, or at least there's not enough for everyone to have two, including a pretty little cottage up the Dales that we only use a few times a year, but it was so much cheaper than the Lakes. I'll make something up if the kids aren't funny next week.