Tainted love

9:54am Thursday 17th April 2008

WHAT'S that creaking noise? Oh, it's the sound of a closet in the Beale household opening.

And out, in several senses of the word, pops Steven Beale. The young lad from EastEnders (BBC1) - soon to be renamed EastBenders according to rumour- is sexually confused. Only last week he tried to kiss Christian, who's out and proud of it but was gobsmacked when the Beale boy tried to lock lips with him.

Now he's determined to help the lad make up his mind which bus he wants to be on. Christian brings out his gaydar, the device used to determine if someone is of a homosexual persuasion. He gets an opportunity as they sit in a car during the search for missing Lucy.

Steven's still in denial, insisting he's not gay. Christian soldiers onward by leaning towards him to see if Steven tries to snog him. He does and, as far as Christian's concerned, case proven.

Steven's still in denial and proves he bats for the other team by knocking a maiden over, if you can call Stacey a maiden. She's been round the block more times than a Mr Whippy ice cream van.

Steven that makes sure that everyone knows he's done the dirty with a girl. Will Christian leave him alone or offer him a night out in Walford's equivalent of Manchester's Canal Street?

He could take him to Minty and Heather's stag and hen celebrations, although the sight of Minty dressed as a convict and clutching an inflatable sheep might make him even more confused about his sexual inclinations.

No gaydar needed to find out what Minty likes. Just look at him frothing at the mouth at the sight of a wellendowed blonde stripper bursting out of a nurses' outfit.

Heather's hen night is a more sedate affair, mainly because it's just her and best friend Shirley. There's also a George Michael impersonator, although whether his act extends to cruising Walford's public conveniences isn't known..

The fancy dress in Emmerdale (ITV1) is balaclavas. The Dingles are planning a surprise and copper Shane Doyle won't like it. He's the one who's been harassing colleague Donna Windsor-Dingle (a close relative of Elizabeth Windsor-Castle) and getting away with it. So a couple of Dingles decide to teach him a lesson, taking care to disguise their faces before giving him the fright of his life. I reckon he'd be more frightened if they could see their faces. Lexi doesn't know which way to turn. Matthew King is blackmailing her into spying on breakaway brother Carl's business.

As she fancies Carl, the tallest man in soap, she's beginning to wonder if she can betray him.

Arsonist and chef Paul Clayton grows tired of cooking the books in Coronation Street (ITV1) and confesses to the police. This is bad news for owner Leanne, who persuaded him to burn down her restaurant so she could claim the insurance money.

No sooner has the cheque arrived than Paul's on the phone to the police to tell them he started the blaze. He's jealous of Leanne's affair with bookie Dan Mason. My bet is that Paul would rather go to prison than see her happy with another man.

Kirk returns to Weatherfield from holiday, not with a tan and a stomach bug, but a new girlfriend. She's a bubbly blonde he met while visiting his parents in Cyprus.

One person who's pleased with the news is his ex Fiz. She hopes having a new woman in his life will stop him thinking about getting back together with her.

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