Soap Watch
High stakes
TEENAGER Jasmine
joins the Miles high club
in Emmerdale (ITV1).
Nothing as exciting as
love in a glider over the
Yorkshire moors. This is
just a kiss, a spot of lip-locking with
Miles De Souza.
Debbie is the surprising
matchmaker. She sets out to make
Jasmine jealous by flirting with
Miles. It works and the pair admit
how much they like each other.
Isn't love lovely? David may not
think so as he wants to get back
together with Jasmine. Not that
father Eric Pollard will give him
much time for romance. Crafty Eric
reckons that his son is behind a
blackmail threat. David an
extortionist? Surely not. After all, he
did draw the line at murdering a
previous lover's elderly wheelchairbound
husband (and Miles' father).
But Eric is convinced that David is
the blackmailer, while David is
worried about the lengths his father
will go to conceal his secrets (which
considering his dodgy past will
occupy a lot of his time).
The maternity units in Soapland
are proving extremely careless. First
they mixed up babies in Coronation
Street. Now it seems that Daniel, who
died in a cot death incident, wasn't
the son of the Rev Ashley and Laurel.
Grandmother Hilary has been
suspicious that baby Arthur, Greg
and Mel's child, is the rightful son
and heir of the Rev Ashley and
Laurel. Tests prove that they couldn't
be Daniel's biological parents. Unless,
of course, a miracle is involved - and
nothing should be ruled out in
Soapland.
The talk of Albert Square is the
Barmaid of the Year competition in
EastEnders (BBC1). Dawn and Roxy
are the pair most likely to be
crowned. But whose pulling
technique - pints not men - is the
most proficient?
Dawn reckons she has the contest
sewn up until learning that she needs
a good head on her (like a pint of
Guinness). Someone tells her that
she'll need more than a pretty face to
win. She'll have to be able to add up a
bar bill.
Things go from bad to worse when
Wellard the dog puts his dirty paws
all over her dress. At least Micky has
the good grace to wash his hands
before pawing her. Then Gus throws
up all over her. Something stinks and,
for Dawn, it's not the sweet smell of
success.
Round at Christian's, Steven Beale
is stripping off for action between the
sheets with on-off girlfriend Stacey.
Her nan Mo is forever telling him
that if he wants to keep her, he'd
better sleep with her.
This worries Steven because he
hasn't done it before. I believe the
technical term is virgin. Some would
use this to regurgitate that joke
about virgin on the ridiculous, but
you won't find me doing it.
Because father Ian has four
marriages to his credit, he thinks
that gives him the right to offer
Steven advice about the opposite sex.
His suggestion is that Steven lies
back and thinks of England - the
England football team. Recite their
names and the experience won't be
over so quickly.
Mo's interference has dire
consequences. She sends a text to
Steven, from Stacey's phone, telling
him to wait in bed for her. So he
strips off and gets between the sheets
in gay Christian's empty flat.
Unluckily, onward Christian
soldiers - with a bloke he's picked up.
They arrive at the flat to find a naked
young Steven in bed. They think all
their Christmases have come at once.
Only finding the England football
team would have made their night
better.
Demonic David Platt is jailed,
packed off to a young offenders'
institute for four months, after going
on the rampage in Coronation Street
(ITV1). Things still aren't peaceful as
Becky discovers that new lover Rick
the builder (whose toolbox may
possibly be bigger than the late,
lamented Charlie's) already has a
girlfriend.
His punishment is to be squirted
with ketchup and have a cream cake
pushed in his face. Good to see the
service is improving in Roy's Rolls.
10:59am Thursday 10th April 2008
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