Soap Watch
They're back
SALES of earplugs are
soaring in Walford now
that news of an
impending return is all
round the Square. The
soft, dulcet tones - not -
of Bianca will be ringing out with a
glass-shattering shriek of
"Rickaaaayyy!".
Yes, they're back in EastEnders
(BBC1), soap's answer to Posh and
Becks, or maybe Kermit and Miss
Piggy would be better considering
they're a couple of muppets.
The occasion that brings them
back is Frank's funeral. There's
nothing like a death to reunite a
family. First, his ex-wives Peggy and
Pat have to have a slapping session in
which they call each other names -
"You bitch, you cow" - and knock the
living daylights out of one another.
They make up in time to organise
Frank's funeral, a real East End do
with a horsedrawn hearse. Then Pat
goes and spoils it all by wearing a red
dress. As long as Chris de Burgh
doesn't show up to sing, we'll be all
right.
Pat knows that Frank always loved
her in red. Or perhaps she misheard
him and said: "I always love you in
bed". We'll never know now.
Rickaaayyy returns for dad Frank's
funeral, getting in touch with ex-wife
Bianca to ensure that their son,
Liam, attends his granddad's
farewell. His sisters Diane and Janine
are on hand too.
Then Bianca turns up, with
nowhere to live and four children in
tow. She's forced to ask Rickaaayyy
for help. Much screaming and
shouting ensues, making Peggy and
Pat's tiff sound like life at a nunnery.
Chef Paul's latest recipe in
Coronation Street (ITV1) involves a
pan of hot oil, a turned on hob and a
tea towel placed nearby. The result is
hot stuff. A fire breaks out at
Valandro's, the failing restaurant.
Owner Leanne is delighted at her
place becoming a hot spot. The
business is losing money and she
wants to get her hands on the
insurance.
Having planted the suggestion in
Paul's mind, he starts a fire in the
hope that she's repay him by hopping
into bed with him.
Poor deluded lad. Doesn't he know
that she has a secret lover. Of course,
he doesn't. He wouldn't be secret
then, would he? Paul may get hot
under the collar when he discovers
he's been taken for a fool. A
gooseberry fool.
Serial killer's widow Gail the
hamster has a nasty shock when she
finally twigs that it was son Demonic
David who pushed her down the
stairs. Her memory finally returns
and the awful truth dawns on her. At
the very least, she'll have to ground
him for a week. Or remove his
privileges without a general
anaesthetic.
Policewoman Donna Windsor-
Dingle is a fair cop, but she's married
so the menfolk of Emmerdale (ITV1)
had better keep clear. Cop colleague
Shane Doyle, who's been bullying her,
makes an unPC drunken lunge and
mutters something about taking
down her particulars after a party at
the Woolpack. Donna married into
the Dingles, a clan that gets bigger
every week. Shadrach's daughter
Genesis Walker turns up in the Dales.
She's his secret - but not for much
longer - love child, although when
Shadrach was ever sober enough to
do the deed is doubtful.
Before he can say "Hi Gennie",
she's knocked off her moped and in
intensive care. The driver who caused
her fall is none other than Donna's
cop shop colleague PC Ross. It won't
be long before the police are all in the
cells and the criminals are running
amok in the village.
10:52am Thursday 27th March 2008
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