Soap Watch
Unsuited
CHILDREN, who'd have
them? Nothing but
trouble, if you ask me.
Certainly in Soapland,
the teenage years make
the situation in the
Middle East look like a vicar's tea
party.
In EastEnders (BBC1), chip shop
entrepreneur Ian Beale is consumed
by family problems. Here goes -
predatory Clare is trying to get in his
pants, wife Jane isn't speaking to
him, unbalanced son Steven is
threatening to go off the rails.
He's been paying attention to twins
Peter and Bobby in the hope of
keeping them safe from a life of sex,
drugs and rock'n'roll. This has
repercussions as daughter Lucy feels
neglected. She should be grateful
that her father isn't interfering in her
life. When the suit he plans to wear
for his visit to the Palace
(Buckingham, not Crystal) is ruined,
he blames Lucy. She goes off the rails
and gets her belly button pierced.
His peace attempts include giving
her a cassette of punk songs that
helped him as a teenager. He ruins
the moment by dancing along to the
tunes. Dad dancing, how
embarrassing.
Elsewhere in Soapland, a body lies
in a motionless heap at the bottom of
the stairs in Coronations Street
(ITV1). Oh dear, Gail the hamster is
playing at being a carpet. Don't tread
on her whatever you do.
Don't small furry creatures roll
themselves in a ball and let out a
horrible smell when danger
threatens. I know it works a treat for
me when the wife approaches to get
me to do the washing up.
Gail has quarrelled with son
demonic David and thick-as-twoshort-
planks son-in-law Jason, so
who's the culprit.
No prizes for guessing it's demonic
David who's the guilty party. She's
lucky it was only being pushed down
the stairs. He could have taken a leaf
out of Damien's book in The Omen
and defenestrated her (like Tom, the
king of Kings in Emmerdale).
The cause of the upset is David
discovering that his mother has aided
and abetted his girlfriend Tina in
having an abortion, presumably on
the grounds Gail didn't think the
devil's spawn was a good idea. This is
a touchy subject for David as he
knows that his mother toyed with
having a termination when she found
she was pregnant with him.
Jason, a man who adds two and two
and gets 22, thinks it's his wife (and
Gail's daughter Sarah) who's got rid
of the baby. A row ensues. Then it's
David's turn to have a go at his mum
and he pushes her down the stairs.
Should they call an ambulance or a
vet for Gail the hamster? Life is
nothing but making decisions.
The social services have got their
hands full as Chesney is taken into
foster care after concerns are raised
for his welfare with guardian Kirk
Sutherland.
One young person, Jamie Hope,
seems to be having better luck in
Emmerdale (ITV1) but only after he
and older girlfriend Louise have a
falling out over her possible
pregnancy.
It ends up with him on one knee,
not because she's kicked the other leg
from under him or to try out page 33
of the Emmerdale Kama Sutra, but to
propose. Marriage, that is.
She says yes, but the path of true
love down the aisle is a rocky one. If
they ever get married I'll eat my copy
of the Inside Soap Yearbook.
5:13pm Thursday 6th March 2008
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