Lusty Liam

10:17am Thursday 31st January 2008

LIAM Connor's proud parents Helen and Barry arrive in Coronation Street (ITV1) although they may not be so proud after they see his antics on his stag night.

The Underworld boss seems intent on displaying the family jewels and the latest line in undies being produced by his knicker factory. At least he keeps his hat on - that's the sign of a true gentleman.

The poor chap has a lot on his mind of late, what with predatory widowed sister-in-law Carla attempting to crawl into bed next to him. This has left the poor chap, who has little in the way of qualifications apart from an A-level in knicker elastic, in a quandary - or at the bottom of a quarry if pregnant fiancee Maria discovers the truth about Liam and Carla.

Carla plays her ace on the night before the wedding by declaring her love for Liam and telling him that she wants to be with him. This would be akin to marrying a black widow spider.

A kiss on the cheek gives Liam an idea of what Carla can offer him. And she assures him that he'll cheat on Maria - and probably with her.

No wonder Liam takes to drink on his stag night, ending up on the cobbles tied to a bus stop wearing just underpants and a hat (Liam that is, not the bus stop). The wedding can't possibly be half as much fun.

Round at the builder's yard, Jason "Two Short Planks" Grimshaw is recovering from wife Sarah's departure to Italy. Recovering, that is, in the comforting arms of Becky. She takes time off from buttering up customers and crusty bloomers in Roy's Rolls to snog Jason, who's fast taking over from Charlie the builder with the big tool box as the Weatherfield womaniser.

Liam isn't the only one hitting the bottle. Stacey Branning is knocking it back in EastEnders (BBC1) to drown the pain of her separation from ruddy-faced husband Bradley.

Like Liam, she's trying to get rid of her clothes. Her market stall is piled high with stock she can't sell. After a night on the town and the bottle, she has to do a runner from the taxi driver because she has no money. She retires to bed with a hangover, although she doesn't know his name.

Soapland has witnessed some strange happenings over the years but the thought of Ian Beale having a gay fling beats the lot. You'll be happy to know it's only business. The chip shop entrepreneur is trying to drum up business from a catering client who inexplicably takes a fancy to Ian. Must be the eau de chip fat he's sprayed on himself.

When Ian denies that he's gay - we all know he's a miserable old git - client Edward refuses to believe it and reckons he's just in denial. He invites Ian to Buckingham Palace when he goes to receive his MBE. Or perhaps Ian misunderstood when Edward asked if he'd like to see an old queen.

Things are looking up in Emmerdale (ITV1) and if you do peer skyward you'll see Diane and Bob flying high as they loop the loop in a plane. It's supposed to be Val and Viv in the cockpit but they chicken out, leaving their relatives to take their place on the charity flight Other Emmerdale residents are getting high on different physical experiences.

With mum Carrie gone, Lexi is dreaming up ways to part half-sibling Scarlett from her inheritance. Her secret weapon is Carl King, a businessman who knows his way round a spread sheet (preferably when Lexi is under it).

Lexi could take a few lessons in skullduggery from Nicola De Souza, currently trying to ensure her elderly husband dies sooner that he intends.

She's promised that her romance with hunky co-conspirator David is over but is spotted half-naked with him in the barn by her stepson Miles.

No doubt she was making hay while the sun shines.

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