Strictly stupid

11:15am Thursday 10th January 2008

STRICTLY Come Dancing has a lot to answer for.

The only slow, slow, quick, quick, slow in Emmerdale (ITV1) usually occurs in the bedroom but now the patter of not-sotiny feet can be heard thundering around the village hall.

By the look of it, this isn't the sort of dancing that Bruce Forsyth would feel comfortable presenting because there's Lionel Blair, the Cliff Richard of the dance floor, partnering young Jamie in what I assume is a sort of Gay Gordon.

It turns out that he's attempting to show Jamie how to trip the light fantastic. Jamie's mastered the trip but not the fantastic.

Lionel's been called in by Viv (I Live In) Hope to judge her charity dance-off. She was going to use a telephone voting system but Richard and Judy advised her against it.

It looks like old twinkle toes won't have much to judge as the dancing couples are in a bigger state of disarray than Kate Garraway and Anton Du Beke with their dancing equivalent of an M25 pile-up.

Viv is dancing on her own after husband Bob tired of her competitiveness and hung up his dancing shoes.

Diane finds herself without a partner too, hot on the heels of Flat Cap Jack ditching her. The solution is staring them in the face - they must team up and dance together in the competition. But which one will be the man? And do they need to go through a civil partnership ceremony first?

Distressing news for Sam Dingle as the single dad sees young son Samson accidentally knocked down by Val's car. This is bad news for Sam as social services is already concerned about Samson's care.

Sam's short of cash to pay the rent so a few extra driving jobs for Debbie's Cabs seems ideal. Little does he know that he's ferrying around drugs.

Over in Weatherfield, the who's the daddy? saga continues as young Ryan Connor gets an unwelcome 16th birthday present in Coronation Street (ITV1). He learns the secret his mother has been hiding from him.

If she is, in fact, his mother. For the mystery man who's been stalking Ryan insists that he's the daddy and that Ryan and his son were swapped at birth. This has all the makings of a C4 documentary.

Another Connor, Carla, is plotting something herself. She wants to get her brother-in-law Liam into bed and takes matters in hand by booking a double room for their forthcoming work trip. Let's hope he packs clean pyjamas. It'll all end in tears, particularly as Liam is planning to marry his pregnant fiancee Maria.

Heartbreak too for Gormless Garry in EastEnders (BBC1). He's long dreamt of a future with Dawn Swann.

It finally dawns on him that she has eyes for another when he spies her snogging Jase Dyer in the Vic. The karaoke machine has broken down, so she's doing her best to provide alternative entertainment.

Dawn and Jase begin the night with a business meeting at Walford's hottest nightspot, R&R. When it turns nasty, she flees breaking her heel. She throws the other shoe away, only for Jase to turn up on her doorstep, playing Prince Charming to her Cinderella, with the footwear in his hand.

When Garry arrives with the other shoe, he's met by the sight of Dawn and Jase locking lips. Who's a heel now, I wonder.

The Beale household is growing all the time. Now Jane's brother Christian, whom she hasn't seen for four years, turns up on the doorstep.

He's gay and wants her to come to his civil partnership ceremony.

Doesn't he know there's never anything very civil about any marriage ceremony in Albert Square?

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