Too little, too late for Jack and Roxy (From The Northern Echo)

Too little, too late for Jack and Roxy

4:46pm Thursday 2nd February 2012 in Soap Watch By Steve Pratt

SPARE a thought for the children of Soapland, pulled this way and that by warring parents who have their own, rather than their offspring’s, interests at heart.

Amy in EastEnders (BBC1) is the latest victim of this tug-of-war mentality although a new twist in the custody battle between I’m All Right Jack and Doxy Roxy finds them back in bed together. The pair are embroiled in a vicious custody battle for little Amy.

When she’s hurt in a playground accident (not badly, don’t worry), the pair have a nasty argument and one thing leads to another – or a spot of the other, if you see what I mean.

Wine is involved, so is kissing, so is ... Well, you can imagine the rest (or search for the home movie on the internet). But next day battle resumes after Roxy discovers that Jack forged her signature on Amy’s passport.

Come the court hearing Roxy, is going to throw all Jack’s dirty deeds back in his face.

It’s coffee that Mandy gets in her face and all over her nice white wedding dress in another part of Walford. This is Juicy Lucy’s latest bid to put the kibosh on the wedding of her dad, Ian Beale, to Randy Mandy.

Lucy doesn’t want her much-wed dad to make another mistake by taking Mandy up the aisle so seeing her trying on her wedding dress, Lucy pretends she spots a mouse, screams and throws a cup of coffee over bridally-attired Mandy.

Cripes! Besides a furious, brown-tinged Mandy, Ian has to deal with learning that BIg Hev and Big Andrew are set to wed on the same day as he and Mandy plight their troth.

He daren’t change the date for fear that Mandy will back out.

Punches not coffee are being thrown in Emmerdale (ITV1) as things hot up in the bedroom department between John Barton and the ill-named Chastity Dingle. The pair flirt over discarded packets of pork scratchings in the Woolpack before adjourning upstairs. But what’s this – John says he can’t go through with it. His ardour isn’t harder any more.

Barmaid and John’s estranged wife Moira is as happy as a banker who’s had to give back a million pound bonus at this latest turn of events. When she sees Chas in the street she gives her a good slap, which makes her a very happy slapper.

Another Emmerdale marriage in trouble is that of Val and Eric Pollard, over foster daughter Amy’s decision to put her baby up for adoption.

Eric has sided with the young mum and Val can’t forgive him – and heads off on holiday without him. He wanted to go, but she hid his passport. Val’s as unhappy as Troubled Tina in Coronation Street (ITV1).

She’s haunted by the past when forced to move into the flat she used to share with her ex, Jason, of two short planks fame. Perhaps Tommy Duckworth will help her feel a bit happier. Unlikely, as she can’t help thinking about her dead dad (the one who fell off a boat in the Lake District). Still, it’s probably safer than continuing to live with Tyrone and his bunny-boiling girlfriend.

Never mind, let’s wish Eva a happy birthday. Boyfriend Nick has even organised a surprise party. Some of the guests are a surprise even to him as they’ve been invited by Eva’s mum, Steely Stella – and they’re people who don’t approve of Eva. In fact, the guest list is dodgier than the prawns Nick has bought for the starters.