Gaynor heads for the Dales (From The Northern Echo)

Gaynor heads for the Dales

3:45pm Thursday 16th February 2012 in TV By Steve Pratt

THE Bartons aren’t having much luck lately, putting them well ahead in the annual competition to find the most miserable family in Soapland.

The time one of their daughters was a drug addict pales in comparison to recent events – Moira’s dillydallying with a Dingle, husband John telling her never to darken his doorstep again, the kids torn between mum and dad and almost losing their home and livelihood.

And then, of course, the road accident in which... Well, that would be telling. I’m getting ahead of myself. Suffice to say that a funeral is planned in Emmerdale (ITV1).

Not that lord of the manor Declan is much concerned with that. He’s more worried about organising his first music festival at Home Farm and doesn’t hesitate to approach the grieving Bartons about using their land for Yorkshire’s answer to Woodstock (without the free love, which is good news for the sheep).

Adam Barton tells Declan to go away, although he doesn’t it put it as nicely. Something about shoving and somewhere the sun don’t shine. Nicola and Charity are keener on the idea, mainly because they both hope to snag the job of festival manager.

Alas, Declan has other ideas.

“Meet my sister Megan Macey,” he announces.

She’s a businesswoman and means business. This is news to Declan’s in-house lover K-K-KKatie as he’s neglected to tell her his bossy sister’s coming to stay. He’s also omitted to tell M&M about Katie, so when his sister arrives she mistakes Katie for the hired help. What hilarity.

Over in Walford, Dodgy Derek’s reign of terror continues in EastEnders (BBC1). He really is a very unpleasant chap who’s starting to make Fill the Fug look like Mother Teresa.

HE’S determined to make Doxy Roxy pay for getting custody of his niece, tug-of-love child Amy, from his brother Jack. The solution is simple – hire a hit man to eliminate Roxy.

Little does Devious Derek know that Roxy has a little scheme of her own to do with the knockoff booze Derek is peddling and steals his mobile as part of her plan to purloin his booze for herself.

Amy isn’t the only Soapland child in the middle of family arguments. In Weatherfield little Simon, the child that everyone except me finds adorable, is having an unhappy time. Stepmum Leanne hotfooted it out of Coronation Street (ITV1) after discovering that husband Peter Barlow had been sharing doubles with fellow boozer Carla.

Simon is distraught and is involved in a fracas outside the school gates with Carla.

Something to do with her putting a bottle of gin instead of a can of orange squash in his lunch box.

Anyway Simon has to be dragged home kicking and screaming – and when news reaches Leanne on the Soapland grapevine (Carla likes nothing more than turning them into wine) she rushes back to see what Simon says about the situation.

She might also want to look in on young mother Katy. She’s been leaving baby Joseph home alone. She’s not coping well with motherhood, decides that bringing up baby isn’t for her and disappears, leaving a note saying she can’t cope.

Chesney is left holding the baby – well, he would be if Katy’s father Owen didn’t interfere and scoop the baby in his arms and take him back to his place. I fear another Soapland tug-of-love coming up.