Roy's crocked (From The Northern Echo)

Roy's crocked

10:52am Thursday 12th November 2009

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AT last the true identity of Batman is revealed – in Coronation Street (ITV1) of all places.

Who’d have thought that he’s been hiding out in Weatherfield?

Batman is actually Roy Cropper, owner of the town’s finest eaterie, Roy’s Rolls. He’s off for a spot of late night bat-watching by the canal, an assignation overheard by cobbles killer Tony Not-So-Gay Gordon.

He spots a chance to ensure Roy comes a proper cropper and silence him for good.

Mind you, it was Tony’s fault for his deathbed confession to Roy that he was responsible for killing his wife Carla’s lover Liam. Then Tony recovered, leaving Roy with a moral dilemma – whether to inform the police that he knows whodunit. Roy is on bat-watching duties for the conservation society and Tony is pursuing him, with a knife in his hand and evil in his heart.

Seeing the blood on Tony’s hands – the result of an earlier incident in which he accidentally cut himself – Roy jumps to the conclusion that he’s done something unspeakable to his wife Hayley.

Roy loses it and goes for Tony.

The pair fight at the water’s edge.

“Oh, goodness, I can’t swim,” says Roy, alarmed at his proximity to the canal.

Now if you’re having a fight by the canal I would suggest that it’s unwise to inform your opponent that you can’t swim. Tony does the only thing possible. “Good,” he says on hearing of Roy’s inability to stay afloat. And promptly pushes him into the canal.

Splosh. Glug-glug-glug. Roy has that sinking feeling. Will he live to butter another roll or deep fry another piece of haddock? Or are we looking at Tony the canal killer?

Over in Emmerdale (ITV1), it’s smothering Sunday. Not a misprint but an indication that Psycho Sally is up to her tricks again. It’s only two minutes since she tried to get rid of love rival Laurel, the Rev Ashley’s missus, by locking her in a burning church.

Laurel was only slightly singed, but while she’s recovering in hospital, Sally is playing happy families back at the vicarage. Her face drops on learning that Sally is being released from hospital and on her way home.

Whatever you do Laurel, don’t fall asleep. Sally is waiting with a pillow to smother you if you nod off on the sofa.

There is pillow talk of a different kind when Charity and Cain get together again. Charity has an ulterior motive. Money.

She’s done a deal with Carl King, the tallest man in soap, to seduce Cain and find out where he’s hiding the loot he extorted from the King family.

What’s love got to do with it?

Charity is motivated by only one thing – money. Lots and lots of money.

In EastEnders (BBC1), the Queen Vic is yet again the scene for a sparring match after Sam Mitchell’s fling with Jack the Lad is exposed. This is all part of Evil Archie’s cunning plan to ruin the Mitchell family.

He knows that Bee-Anchor won’t be happy with the news, but can use it in her battle to prise Rickeeeee away from Lay-It-Again Sam.

A cat fight ensues, staged for customers in the Vic. Funny how a quiet drink in the pub always seems to develop into a brawl of some description.

Archie wants Sam to do a runner, which means she’ll be breaking her bail conditions and the Mitchells, who’ve stood bail, will lose all their money. With his grasp of finance, perhaps he should be running the country’s banks.

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