They're back

10:52am Thursday 27th March 2008

SALES of earplugs are soaring in Walford now that news of an impending return is all round the Square. The soft, dulcet tones - not - of Bianca will be ringing out with a glass-shattering shriek of "Rickaaaayyy!".

Yes, they're back in EastEnders (BBC1), soap's answer to Posh and Becks, or maybe Kermit and Miss Piggy would be better considering they're a couple of muppets.

The occasion that brings them back is Frank's funeral. There's nothing like a death to reunite a family. First, his ex-wives Peggy and Pat have to have a slapping session in which they call each other names - "You bitch, you cow" - and knock the living daylights out of one another.

They make up in time to organise Frank's funeral, a real East End do with a horsedrawn hearse. Then Pat goes and spoils it all by wearing a red dress. As long as Chris de Burgh doesn't show up to sing, we'll be all right.

Pat knows that Frank always loved her in red. Or perhaps she misheard him and said: "I always love you in bed". We'll never know now.

Rickaaayyy returns for dad Frank's funeral, getting in touch with ex-wife Bianca to ensure that their son, Liam, attends his granddad's farewell. His sisters Diane and Janine are on hand too.

Then Bianca turns up, with nowhere to live and four children in tow. She's forced to ask Rickaaayyy for help. Much screaming and shouting ensues, making Peggy and Pat's tiff sound like life at a nunnery.

Chef Paul's latest recipe in Coronation Street (ITV1) involves a pan of hot oil, a turned on hob and a tea towel placed nearby. The result is hot stuff. A fire breaks out at Valandro's, the failing restaurant.

Owner Leanne is delighted at her place becoming a hot spot. The business is losing money and she wants to get her hands on the insurance.

Having planted the suggestion in Paul's mind, he starts a fire in the hope that she's repay him by hopping into bed with him.

Poor deluded lad. Doesn't he know that she has a secret lover. Of course, he doesn't. He wouldn't be secret then, would he? Paul may get hot under the collar when he discovers he's been taken for a fool. A gooseberry fool.

Serial killer's widow Gail the hamster has a nasty shock when she finally twigs that it was son Demonic David who pushed her down the stairs. Her memory finally returns and the awful truth dawns on her. At the very least, she'll have to ground him for a week. Or remove his privileges without a general anaesthetic.

Policewoman Donna Windsor- Dingle is a fair cop, but she's married so the menfolk of Emmerdale (ITV1) had better keep clear. Cop colleague Shane Doyle, who's been bullying her, makes an unPC drunken lunge and mutters something about taking down her particulars after a party at the Woolpack. Donna married into the Dingles, a clan that gets bigger every week. Shadrach's daughter Genesis Walker turns up in the Dales.

She's his secret - but not for much longer - love child, although when Shadrach was ever sober enough to do the deed is doubtful.

Before he can say "Hi Gennie", she's knocked off her moped and in intensive care. The driver who caused her fall is none other than Donna's cop shop colleague PC Ross. It won't be long before the police are all in the cells and the criminals are running amok in the village.

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