When love lies bleeding (From The Northern Echo)

When love lies bleeding

12:28pm Wednesday 11th January 2012 in Echo Woman By Ruth Addicott

Couples who have been hit by the recession and can’t afford a divorce are turning to dating websites offering extra-marital affairs. Ruth Addicott reports.

STATISTICALLY, January is the month most couples file for divorce, not really surprising after all the family stresses the festive season throws at us. But it’s is an expensive business and, according to research by dating website Illicit Encounters, a growing number of married couples in the North-East are having extra marital affairs because they can’t afford the legal proceedings that divorce entails.

The survey, which polled men and women across County Durham, claims that thousands of couples are trapped in unhappy marriages, but are forced to stay together because of the recession and ongoing property slump.

Almost 2,000 married couples questioned in Durham said they would like to get a divorce but couldn’t afford the cost and 38 per cent of members in the region felt the stress of relocating in the current climate had affected their decision to stay married.

Illicit Encounters has almost 4,600 members across the county and claims to have had a 20 per cent increase in membership since the recession.

David, 42, from Durham, joined a few months ago. He has been married nine years, he separated from his wife seven months ago, they have separate rooms and are living together purely for financial reasons.

He bought their three-bed semi when the property market was at its peak, but is now in negative equity and struggling to find a buyer. On top of that, he fears the cost of the divorce itself.

“I didn’t get married to have an affair,” he says. “If we didn’t have £50,000 negative equity on the house, we’d be separated by now.”

Having been to counselling and made several attempts to make the marriage work, David was tempted by Illicit Encounters. He couldn’t face the thought of a singles night and chose that rather than a traditional dating agency because he didn’t feel ready for anything long term. “Most women on dating websites are looking for something more serious – also, I can’t bring anyone back to my house,” he says.

“I got a lot of very interesting, detailed, articulate emails from women. A lot were senior executives in high-powered jobs saying, ‘I’m married and perfectly happy with my husband, but the physical side of the relationship isn’t there any more’.

Some had children, some didn’t, they didn’t really talk about that.”

The site has a particularly high number of female members (currently outnumbering men by three to one).

David has had three dates so far – all with the same woman. They’ve been for a meal, to see The Awakening and for a walk in the country.

He hasn’t told his wife, friends or family.

“I’ve had a few dates, they don’t always end up in the bedroom,” he says. “I want to be discreet, I may have fallen out of love with my wife, but I don’t want to upset her because I still have respect for her. I wouldn’t want people to think I’m someone who wanted to go off and have affairs behind my wife’s back. I took my marriage very seriously.”

The survey, which polled men and women across the county, found financial strain was the biggest cause of arguments. Forty per cent of couples said their marriage was effectively over, but they couldn’t afford to legally separate and 42 per cent were put off by the cost of divorce itself.

The average legal fees are estimated to be about £13,000 but can often rise to £50,000 in difficult cases.

Since the recession started to bite the national divorce rate has plummeted by 34 per cent from a peak of 153,065 divorces in 2003, now down to 113,949 a year – the lowest figures since the mid-Seventies. “We’ve seen a dramatic rise in membership of our site in Durham over the past year as the recession has forced people to stay in marriages they would rather get out of,” says Rosie Freeman- Jones, a spokeswoman for Illicit Encounters.

“There is a large number of our members who would like to divorce their other half but just can’t raise the funds to do so.”

David estimates it will take between six months and a year before he is able to move out and start dating women openly again. Asked how he’d feel if he discovered his wife was using the same site, he says: “Well, it would be hypocritical to be negative.

We’ve got separate rooms, we don’t question each other’s comings and goings. All I can say is life has been very grey these last two years and this has given me a huge boost.”