No ideal age to be a mother (From The Northern Echo)

No ideal age to be a mother

11:20am Friday 11th November 2011 in Sharon's View By Sharon Griffiths

SUSAN Tollefesen was 57 when she became Britain’s oldest first-time mother using a donor egg. Now aged 62 and separated from her partner, 11 years younger, this week she said she believes there should be an age limit of 50 for IVF.

Hindsight’s a wonderful thing Of course, Susan doesn’t regret the birth of Freya. “The best thing I have ever done in my life”, but still admits: “Perhaps some of my critics were right.”

Her sadness is that of time running out, of the likelihood that she will not see Freya grow up to have children of her own – certainly not if she waits as long as her mum.

But as the average age of first-time mothers goes ever upwards – huge numbers now in their forties – plenty of us will be ancient by the time we’re grandparents, if at all.

And as the whole idea of grandparents was to help young families cope, we’re probably in the process of overthrowing one of nature’s cleverer plans.

But although Susan Tollefesen may have her regrets about leaving it too late, what about those who start too soon? Teenage mums can generally look forward to a long life with their children, but they miss out on their own childhood too. And although many teenage parents can and do make up for lost education and opportunities as they grow older, they can never regain that glorious freedom of adolescence – not if they spent it soothing a screaming baby, mixing feeds and changing nappies and never leaving the house without a baby and a huge bag of stuff.

Biologically, the best age to reproduce is meant to be between the ages of 19 and 25. But that rather messes up chances of university and careers.

Sociologically the ideal time for motherhood is apparently 34 – but that could be because mothers who have their first babies then tend, on average, to be better educated, better qualified and more in charge of their own lives.

Coronation Street actress Kym Marsh, 35, has a new baby, 16 years after she had her first. “What I have lost in energy, I have gained in patience,” she said.

That’s the trade-off. Younger parents have boundless energy, little fear and can help out the next generation and maybe the one after that. Older parents are generally more secure, more patient, financially better off – but a lot closer to their sell-by date.

Tricky to have it all and you have to settle on what’s best for you.

The other big change in recent years is that more women are choosing not to have babies at all, which is great news.

This should mean that, however young or old the mothers, most babies are really wanted.

And, whenever they arrive, this is surely the most important thing of all.

Tales of Tommy and his brave mates

WHEN I was a small child visiting my grandmother, we would wait for the bus by the village war memorial. To pass the time, gran would tell me stories about the men whose names were there.

And, of course, she’d known them all. They were her neighbours, school friends, boyfriends and cousins. Not some anonymous glorious heroes, but ordinary lads whose lives had been stopped short and wasted – and including her cousin Tom, a blacksmith who was strong on brawn but a bit short on brains and had a terrible temper.

Now low-life thieves steal the metal from war memorials for the sake of a couple of quid – and conscience- less scrap dealers must buy it. But then even Cambridge history graduate, Charlie Gilmour, said – after he’d swung so spectacularly on the Union flag from the Cenotaph in student protests last year – that he didn’t know what it was. Though you’d have thought, really, that the inscription The Glorious Dead might have been a bit of a giveaway.

So well done to all those amateur historians, photographers, genealogists, who are busy recording not just the memorials – the monuments halls, hospitals, playing fields – but the names and stories of the people they commemorated.

Like those brief pictures of servicemen and women flashed up on the TV news or in the pages of newspapers, they are necessary reminders that the glorious dead were once gloriously alive and didn’t set out to be killed.

Real stories of real people heighten the connection between us all and command real respect.

Otherwise Gran’s cousin Tom and his terrible temper might be back to wreak revenge.

Politically correct poppies

SO now the England footballers will be able to wear poppies on their armbands. Good, I suppose.

But...

The poppy is a fantastic symbol and most of us choose to wear one as a personal mark of respect and as a way of giving some money to help.

But now footballers are going to have to wear a poppy, presumably whether they want to or not. The BBC and other broadcasting organisations clearly have a huge box of poppies in every studio and no one’s allowed on air without one. Politicians daren’t be seen without one.

It is no longer a free and personal choice, but almost compulsory and is in danger of becoming another form of political correctness, compelling us all to conform.

Is this why wars were fought?

Planet teacher

OF course teachers, head teachers and all the public sector workers deserve decent pensions. But so do the rest of us.

And while our pensions are costing us more and paying out less, do they really expect us to chip in cheerfully from our own rapidly shrinking purses just to keep someone else’s pension safe? What planet are they on?

The bus pass jungle

IT’S the bus pass jungle this year. Not content with colonising Strictly Come Dancing, now the over-60s have been invited en masse on to I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. New recruits include Lorraine Chase, 60, Willie Carson, 68, – pictured right – Freddie Starr, 68 and Stefanie Powers, 69.

Programme makers say that viewers like older celebrities because they bring “more charisma, jokes and life experience”.

The skin might not be so dewy, the hair not as glossy, the muscles not so toned, and the hips and knees definitely dodgy – but at least grown-ups make life interesting.

Backchat

Dear Sharon,
OVER recent weeks in news coverage of events at St Paul’s I have seen several reports that a reduction in tourists, put off by the protestors, has seen a reduction in the earnings of the cathedral shop. No mention of entrance charges until at the weekend I saw an article saying that admission to St Pauls is £14.50.

If this is true, it makes York cheap at £9, Chester a bargain at £5 and Durham, contributions, the deal of a lifetime - Martin Birtle, by email.