Idol talk

9:43am Thursday 19th June 2008

Euro 2008 - Quarter Finals (7.30pm, ITV1)

THE worst thing about England not being in Euro 2008 is you don't watch games in the pub.

And the worst thing about not watching games in the pub is you get to hear the commentary.

Now, I know football pundits are easy targets.

Everyone says they're dreadful, everyone says they could do better. But there's a reason for that. They are rubbish. And everyone could do better. And besides, I will propose a solution. Read on.

Football analysis is subject to wholly different standards from the rest of television.

Take, for example, Mark Lawrenson explaining why Austria lost 1-0 to Germany.

"They just lacked quality, Ray," said Lawrenson. "They lacked quality in the final third."

They lacked quality? Really? After three games, they'd been knocked out with one point and one goal. Of course they lacked quality! We want specifics.

For example: could the left-winger not hit a barn door with a banjo? Did the centre-half punt aimless tosh upfield? Did the centremidfielders dither on the ball? We expect enlightenment.

We get primary school platitudes.

EVEN worse, Lawrenson had done no research.

He mentioned not one Austria player. The reason, I imagine, because he knew not one Austria player. (Bar those who play in the Premiership, of course).

Wouldn't it have been nice to hear: "There is some hope, Ray. Sebastian Prodl was captain of the team that reached the semis of the Under-20 World Cup and looks decent. And Martin Harnik, the striker, scored on his debut for both Werder Bremen and the national team, so could score goals in the future."

(It's all on Google, Mark. It's easy these days: no books, no interviews, no magazines.

Just Google.) Now imagine those slipshod, solipsistic standards sufficed in other areas. Imagine, if you will, Frank Gardner, the BBC's security correspondent, explaining the latest Palestinian attack on the Gaza strip.

Newsreader: Frank, why have the Palestinians done this?

Gardner: They're just not happy, Kate.

They're angry with the Israelis, and they've attacked. It's as simple as that.

Newsreader: But what has sparked this latest attack?

Gardner: It's a lack of compromise, Kate.

The Palestinians aren't happy, and, unfortunately, some of them have taken things too far. It's handbags really.

Newsreader: And who, in particular, is responsible?

Gardner: You can't name names, Kate. But the Israeli defence hasn't been as tight as they usually are. They won't be happy with that.

If Mr Gardner took Mr Lawrenson's approach, he wouldn't last five minutes, and rightly so. But there is a solution.

Presently, pundits are hired by their medal count. So Lawrenson (five League Championships, one FA Cup, one European Cup, three League Cups, 39 Ireland caps, five goals) is perfect. In fact, pundits' honours flash up on screen when they start, as if to reassure viewers that yes, this man knows his stuff.

The problem is, medals can't talk, or do research.

The solution is Pundit Idol. A primetime, BBC show, where football fans from across the country demonstrate their football eloquence and knowledge. Say 5,000 entered. First round auditions would be a rapid-fire quiz, from Gary Lineker. Three hard questions each. If you get them right, you're through.

Second round - down to 1,000 now - would be co-commentating on a game. Third round - TASTY: Tracy Gillman as Cilla and Vicky Elliott as Sadie in Me & Cilla down to 100 - would be a debate, with current pundits and journalists. Final round - last ten - would be a mixture of the previous three rounds.

The result would be a pundit who isn't scared to slag players off, because he doesn't mix in the same social circles. A pundit who knows the value of research, because he had to research to get there. And, most importantly, a pundit who knows he has to entertain and inform, because if he doesn't, his medals certainly won't.

And besides, Pundit Idol will prove so successful, they'll have one every year. So there'll always be a young pup, ready to take his place. It should, at least, ensure pundits don't lack quality.

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