The Max factor

9:25am Thursday 26th June 2008

I NEED a drink but I won't be going into a Soapland pub.

These are hotbeds of brooding anger, bloody violence, passionate affairs and Liz McDonald's cleavage.

The entertainment in the Queen Vic in EastEnders (BBC1) gets off to a rousing start as Mad Max, newly risen from the coffin in which wife Tanya buried him alive, announces to pub regulars that Tanya is having an affair with his brother, Jack the lad.

There's a time and place for airing marital grievances, but this isn't it.

Perhaps rising from the grave doesn't agree with him. His news comes as a surprise to everyone - including Tanya's kids, whom she's neglected to inform that she's enjoying rumpypumpy with someone other than her husband.

There's worse to come for Tanya as she discovers that Mad Max - and you'd be mad if your wife buried you alive - is negotiating to buy the family house from under her. He makes himself at (soon-to-be-his) home, much to her annoyance.

Elsewhere, one of Tanya's old lovers, Psycho Sean Slater, reappears in the Vic - covered in blood. The wild man of Walford looks even wilder than usual thanks to his battered and bloodied demeanour.

He's gone off the rails since Tanya dumped him, although he should be grateful she didn't shove him in a coffin too. Sister Stacey tries to get Sean to talk about his troubles but he's having none of it. All he'll say is that he's been staying with a mate.

Presumably one with sado masochistic tendencies, judging by his appearance.

Upstairs at the Vic, Fill the Fug makes an alarming discovery - a pair of tap shoes. Is Billy Elliot living in the attic? No, they belong to son Ben who, along with granny Peggy, has been sneaking off to dance classes.

Fill the Fug is distraught. His twisted, old-fashioned thinking leads him to believe that Ben might be Nancy. Real men, he figures, don't eat quiche or dance (and certainly not at the same time). They do things like beat up other blokes. We can be sure than Fill the Fug won't be signing up for Strictly Come Dancing.

Things are no better at the Rovers Return in Coronation Street (ITV1) where landlady Liz McDonald is regretting marrying Vernon. Their New Year's Eve wedding could be over by the time Big Ben chimes midnight this December 31.

While Vernon was away cruising, Liz was doing much the same thing in Weatherfield as she got chummy with a bookie following her fling with a drayman.

In a corner of the Rovers, Kabin shop owners Rita and Norris are being bought a drink by devious Tony and his lover Carla. Having bought Liam's half of the Underworld knicker business, Tony is making a thong-and-dance about expanding the factory and wants to buy the Kabin and Kevin's garage. He makes Rita an offer she can't resist - a lifetime supply of red hair dye.

Norris, being bald, gets a less enticing offer.

Behind the bar is Bedtime Girl Becky. After a row with the Roy's Rolls impresario, she quits making bacon sarnies to pull pints at the Rovers. She's already pulled the landlord, Steve McDonald, although his other half, barmaid Michelle, doesn't know that she's working alongside Steve's guilty secret.

In Emmerdale (ITV1), there's plotting in the Woolpack. While others book their summer holidays, K-K-K-Katie has booked a Caesarean.

There's a spot of confusion when chef Marlon thinks she's ordered a Caesar salad, but he's soon put right. What K-K-K-Katie does next is plot with best pal Cha about stealing the baby she's carrying for What a Gay Day Grayson and his wife pretty Perdy.

K-K-K-Katie's plan is to do a runner as soon as the baby's out, reckoning that a natural birth will slow her down. Hence the C-section.