Gone to blazes

10:31am Thursday 19th June 2008

TELL you what. That Katherine Kelly, who plays Coronation Street's Becky, doesn't half earn her money.

She's never off the show! At least half of every episode is occupied by her energetic, over-egged acting.

So you'd think, with all this screen time and money, Katherine would be able to afford a filling meal. The evidence suggests otherwise. There's nowt on her. I spend episodes trying to work out where her neck ends, and her torso begins. And to think she works in a café. Can you not sort her some egg and chips, Roy? Throw in some bread and butter while you're at it. And a Kit Kat.

Anyway. This week, she sends Jason a birthday card, hoping he'll ask her out. He turns her down, which is big blow for little Becky.

After all, Jason's only other social activity is playing darts with Bill.

And talking to his mum. Oh, and occasionally going on someone's stag do, regardless of their age. But, essentially, Becky's been dumped for Bill and a darts board. It's enough to put you off your food.

Elsewhere, Michelle turns Miss Marple. Not literally, of course. After all, this is the lass whose hair, makeup, and appearance, never change.

Seriously. It's rigid; unaffected by time or tremors. Hair: jet black, straight. Mascara: jet black, straight.

Lipstick: pink, lots. Blusher: pink, lots. I sometimes think she films six months of shows in a day, then nicks off to Majorca.

Where was I? Miss Marple. Michelle interrogates the Street, to investigate Steve's strange behaviour. Initially, she thinks he's having it away with Leanne - they have previous, remember - and sacks her. Which means Leanne is looking for her 8,742nd job in three years. Bookie and hooker, barmaid and waitress: this lass has done it all.

Eventually, Miss Marple corners Lloyd, who claims Steve is planning to pop the question. And - to make things worse - he's in Spain to find a castle for the ceremony. As any castle fan will tell you, he should have nipped over the border to Wales.

There are 400 there. And that - uniquely for this column - is a fact.

Steve's not the only one away. Gail is in Milan, which means David throws a party. Is it me, or his girlfriend far too attractive for him?

On one hand, there's short, spotty David. And on the other, there's Michelle, who's an altogether better proposition. Anyway, Teresa - that's Jerry's wife - gets angry at the party, and ends up clipping Rosie. Sally and Kevin aren't happy, and demand an apology. Careful, Kevin. We all know what happened last time you sought revenge for someone slighting Rosie.

Breathe deep, and think happy thoughts. Like divorce.

In Eastenders, the interminable Bradley / Stacey saga runs on. And on. And on. It's hardly Kylie and Jason, is it? It's barely Kat and Alfie.

Anyway. Bradley ends up blurting out those three words - no, not "I'm a clown" but "I love you". He asks Stacey to take him back, but she's not sure. Elsewhere, Denise wins a job at Pat Cabs, and Tanya and Jack pull out the stops for Abi's 12th birthday.

And she's really thrilled when a mystery visitor provides the perfect present.

In Emmerdale, there's more crime.

I tell you - we need more discipline in Soapland. Five years for assault, ten for arson, and 20 for cliched dialogue.

It would improve in no time. Sam Dingle can expect ten after he torches Pollard's struggling factory. But the plan goes wrong, and the truth starts to unravel. Pollard, bless him, is in trouble.

Marlon - the Gordon Ramsay of the Dales, without the acting skills - continues to impress. The Woolpack's rival, The Malt, attempts to poach him, and get this - he gets offered his own column in the local paper. Don't let it go to your head, son. These days, they give them to anyone.

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