Bumpy ride

11:02am Thursday 8th May 2008

IF you're going to faint then it's always handy to do it front of a doctor. When Roxy Mitchell falls lifeless to the floor, Dr Felix is on hand to administer first aid. Any excuse to loosen her clothing in EastEnders (BBC1).

Mind you, it's another of the Mitchell clan - Peggy - who reckons she knows what's wrong. Her prediction is that Roxy has a bun in the Mitchell oven.

This isn't a cause for joy for the blonde who is, to borrow an old quote, the original good time had by all.

This makes identifying the father as difficult as finding that needle in the proverbial haystack.

There are two main contenders for the who's the daddy? award. Neither is perfect papa material. You wouldn't want psycho Sean as the father of your child. And Jack Branning is a bit of a no-no as he's also been sleeping with Roxy's sister, Ronnie. Well, they're both blonde and found behind a bar so who can blame him for mixing them up.

Roxy's on a date with Dr Felix when she faints, going all weak at the knees for reasons other than her pregnancy. She's just found out that he's married with a child. As opposed to being with child like her.

For the moment, Roxy's keeping mum about being a mum. She doesn't want anyone to know until she's worked out who the father is.

Answers on a postcard please Elsewhere in Albert Square, Shirley and Heather are arrested.

They're thrown into a police cell for what's described as "going wild on a boozy bender" which has nothing to do with a drunk homosexual but results from a night of heavy drinking.

Heather's upset because her marriage to Minty hasn't been consummated yet. No such problem in Coronation Street (ITV1) although Liam isn't wed to his bedmate Carla.

This vixen has been trying to get her claws into brother-in-law Liam for ages and has the perfect excuse when his wife Maria walks out.

He's upset and Carla, despite having just got engaged to Tony, comforts him. This involves offering more than a shoulder to cry on.

If only they'd been more careful.

Teen temptress Rosie captures their morning, after-the-night-before, kiss on camera.

Gail the hamster has a new man in her life - the father we never knew she had. She wants to bond with longlost father Ted and is determined to use Superglue to do it. Mum Audrey forgot to tell her about Ted, including the fact that he's gay. That's gay as in homosexual, not gay as in happy.

Ted's arrival coincides with Tina, girlfriend of Gail's imprisoned son Demonic David, turning up on the doorstep looking for somewhere to stay. She's followed by her mother who doesn't want Tina associating with a jailbird.

Heading behind bars too is Viv Hope in Emmerdale (ITV1). She's been framed for fraud, accused of swindling a charity fund. She suffers the humiliation of a police line-up and is identified as the person in the bank when the Happy Smiles account was emptied.

Poor Viv isn't smiling as she's locked in a cell. Would-be local reporter Jasmine will no doubt be writing up the case for the Hotten Courier. She's encouraging boyfriend Miles to get his life in order by becoming a photographer.

He and Jasmine decide to snap the contestants in a crazy vegetable competition. I don't fancy their chances getting a decent picture of a crazy carrot or insane onion. The pictures are hardly going to earn a place in Hello, are they? Not unless they start a celebrity cauliflower section.

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