Manuals for mere mortals

1:44pm Wednesday 7th May 2008

ARRGGHHH! Did you hear me at the weekend? Did you hear my cries of fury, frustration and plain old-fashioned temper?

Yes, I was indulging in that great May Day Bank Holiday tradition.

I was assembling the new lawn mower.

Now I am old enough to remember when you bought things ready made, when furniture was delivered in a van by an old man and a boy who could manoeuvre it carefully and skilfully into your home and when lawn mowers came ready to snip and roll with no more to do than take off the price tag. Not any more.

The problem with self assembly lies not only with the self that's doing the assembling, but also with the instructions that self is trying to follow. They are usually written by someone in a distant country - Sweden, China, or, in the case of my lawn mower, Germany, with only the slightest knowledge of English.

I always thought that they were also written by someone who didn't know what they were doing. I was wrong. They are written by someone who knows exactly what they are doing, but completely lacks the ability to convey the information to those who don't, ie me.

"Clip handle together and fix with screws provided." Which screws? There are three different sorts, long, short, plastic and metal. How am I meant to know? The diagram is no help, being small and blurry. Clearly, the person writing the instructions thought it was all so obvious that there was no need to explain. Well, there was.

And what are the red plastic lever things for? I can't find them in the instructions, on the diagram or even on the great big picture of the lawn mower on the box. So now they are on the shelf in the garage. Left over. I don't think you are meant to have things left over.

It's always the same when I assemble furniture. I am always left with a handful of screws, or mysteriously odd shaped bits of chipboard. Or a hinge. In the old MFI days everything came with a built-in wobble. My endless versions of Ikea's Billy bookcase seem solid enough, but creak ominously.

And now Argos are selling a flatpack house.

Five rooms, underfloor heating, laminate flooring, patio doors and a "useful loft for storage". It costs £13,000 and they say it could be assembled "in a day or two".

A day or two? Ha! It took me an entire afternoon to assemble a lawnmower, which didn't even have a door, let alone a floor, heating, windows and a roof.

Still, it cut the grass all right, even if one side of the handle was higher than the other. Maybe I used the wrong screws.

Or maybe I should have used those red lever thingies.

If you are tempted to rush off and buy a flat pack house, stop right now. You know it will only lead to more ruined weekends, bashed thumbs, short temper and quite possibly divorce. Build that house in your garden and you will be the one who will end up living in it. Alone.

All I hope is that they have not asked an expert to write the instructions. The expert should instead get his granny to do them, or his four-year-old child, or next door's cat. Or anyone who is only vaguely aware of the difference between a hammer and a screwdriver. Then, at least, they should be clear enough for us all to follow.

On the other hand, on my track record, if I try and assemble the flatpack house, I'll probably end up with lots left over - maybe even enough for a nice little bungalow too.

GOOD to see Prince Harry's girlfriend Chelsey Davy watching him get his campaign medal for his service in Afghanistan. Chelsey gets a bad press because she is blonde and rich and likes to party.

But she also has a good degree, a fearsome brain and a life of her own. Let's hope they manage to keep her in the family.

MANY thanks to all those of you who wrote trying to solve my account keeping problem - I write so few cheques that I run out of space in the little book in front of my cheque book, but online banking has no way of allowing for money in direct debits, already committed but still in my account.

The answers included suggestions for old-fashioned little cash books, computer spread sheets and - from a bank manager - photocopying extra pages of the transaction record and clagging them in my old cheque book.

All letters, emails and photocopies received with much thanks.

But we are all agreed that it shouldn't be beyond the wit of the big banks to produce a nifty little tool to do the job online.

Otherwise, in the glorious 21st Century, we're still left with a pencil stub and a bit of paper.

I AM vastly intrigued by Pete Doherty's comment on life in Wormwood Scrubs, from which he has just been released: "It's all gangsters and Radio 4,"

he said.

Drug deals while listening to The Archers? Shootings to the shipping forecast?

Blackmail while listening to Woman's Hour? It was never like this in Porridge.

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