IWAS off to the gym on Sunday morning, so – being the thoughtful husband that I am – I asked my wife if she needed anything from town. “I just need some broccoli,” she shouted from the kitchen, then paused before adding: “But I’d better get it myself.”

“Why’s that?” I asked.

“Because you won’t know what to get,” came the reply.

Now, I consider myself to be a man of fairly sound judgement. I have a job which requires making important decisions. I’ve done jury service.

I passed my driving test first time.

I’ve served as a school governor. I’ve voted in several general elections. So how difficult can it be to buy broccoli?

I probably should have just gone to the gym but I pressed on with my attempt to be helpful.

“Isn’t it just a question of going to the veg counter at the supermarket, getting some broccoli and taking it to the check-out?” I asked.

“No, you’ve got to get a nice piece,”

she said.

I’ll be honest – I don’t have much time for broccoli. I don’t know anyone who really likes it but my wife makes me eat it as part of the Sunday lunch.

I do my best to get away with picking out the smallest, most inoffensive piece, but she usually makes me have more. She wants me to set an example to the kids – be a broccoli role model.

But my dislike for the stuff should not mean I’m incapable of choosing it. I’m not stupid. I know it’s green and looks like cauliflower.

And here she was, telling me it had to be “a nice piece”. What did she think I was going to get? A piece that had been half-chewed by caterpillars?

A piece that had fallen on the floor and been used as a football?

I told some fellow dads over a few beers how I hadn’t been trusted to buy broccoli and it immediately became clear that I’m not alone.

“Broccoli? No, no, no, no. A bloke can’t buy broccoli – it’s too complicated,”

said John, adding that he wasn’t allowed to choose a lettuce either.

This is obviously a major issue in married life so I asked my wife for a guide in case of emergencies. Here’s what she says us fellas need to bear in mind if we are ever allowed to buy broccoli:

  • Broccoli does not want to be “floppy”. It has to be firm.
  • Make sure your broccoli is dark green.
  • Avoid too much stem – it’s just a waste.
  • Never pick broccoli with yellow patches.
  • Look for florets with open buds – tight buds aren’t good, apparently.

As you can see, it’s far from straightforward. It’s probably best just not to ask.