IWAS off to the gym on Sunday morning, so – being the thoughtful husband that I am – I asked my wife if she needed anything from town. “I just need some broccoli,” she shouted from the kitchen, then paused before adding: “But I’d better get it myself.”
“Why’s that?” I asked.
“Because you won’t know what to get,” came the reply.
Now, I consider myself to be a man of fairly sound judgement. I have a job which requires making important decisions. I’ve done jury service.
I passed my driving test first time.
I’ve served as a school governor. I’ve voted in several general elections. So how difficult can it be to buy broccoli?
I probably should have just gone to the gym but I pressed on with my attempt to be helpful.
“Isn’t it just a question of going to the veg counter at the supermarket, getting some broccoli and taking it to the check-out?” I asked.
“No, you’ve got to get a nice piece,”
she said.
I’ll be honest – I don’t have much time for broccoli. I don’t know anyone who really likes it but my wife makes me eat it as part of the Sunday lunch.
I do my best to get away with picking out the smallest, most inoffensive piece, but she usually makes me have more. She wants me to set an example to the kids – be a broccoli role model.
But my dislike for the stuff should not mean I’m incapable of choosing it. I’m not stupid. I know it’s green and looks like cauliflower.
And here she was, telling me it had to be “a nice piece”. What did she think I was going to get? A piece that had been half-chewed by caterpillars?
A piece that had fallen on the floor and been used as a football?
I told some fellow dads over a few beers how I hadn’t been trusted to buy broccoli and it immediately became clear that I’m not alone.
“Broccoli? No, no, no, no. A bloke can’t buy broccoli – it’s too complicated,”
said John, adding that he wasn’t allowed to choose a lettuce either.
This is obviously a major issue in married life so I asked my wife for a guide in case of emergencies. Here’s what she says us fellas need to bear in mind if we are ever allowed to buy broccoli:
- Broccoli does not want to be “floppy”. It has to be firm.
- Make sure your broccoli is dark green.
- Avoid too much stem – it’s just a waste.
- Never pick broccoli with yellow patches.
- Look for florets with open buds – tight buds aren’t good, apparently.
As you can see, it’s far from straightforward. It’s probably best just not to ask.
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