Hundred wait

FOOTBALL Association chairman Greg Dyke tells guests at the FA Cup final lunch that there’ve so far been 2,988 goals in this season’s competition and lightly wonders if the 5pm kick off might make the total 3,000. After eight minutes it’s looking like Hull City want to pass it before half-time.

City are already 2-0 up, raising the further possibility that it’s really a game of three-pots-in and that quite soon it’ll be Scezny’s turn to go in goal.

To those of us with a lifetime’s allegiance to the opposing camp (shall we say) the familiar doggerel about being delivered from Hull, and Hell and Halifax comes once more to mind. At 5.08pm, Hull and Hell seem pretty much synonymous.

It’s my 100th match of the season, a personal first but clearly not going to be the plain sail of the century that optimistically had been envisaged.

The total’s nothing compared to passionate football men like retired Hartlepool postman John Dawson, who once saw 270 in a season, to Pete Sixsmith who’s nearing 200 in 2013-14 or to FA historian David Barber who’s seen more than 6,500 and has a meticulous record of every one of them.

The difference is that those guys are all single. Some of us have a wife, an armchair and a log basket at home.

As The Sun reminds us that it’s 3,283 days since Arsenal won a trophy, as the Gunners defence once more gives the impression of trying to spot their mum in the stand, as someone points out that in 16 of the past 20 FA Cup finals the losing side has failed to score, it’s tempting to wish that I’d stopped there.

We’re again on the 8.57 from Darlington, though the elder bairn – following his father’s footsteps, and his grandfather’s, too – has been awake since 4.30am. “General excitement,” he says.

We’re singing about really shaking them up when we win the FA Cup, but what if the unthinkable happens? What if we lose?

We talk of finals past, of those attended together and those long before they were born – of Charlie George, who made the earth move in 1971, and of the last time that Sunderland scored at Wembley.

The previous week’s Wembley trip, to West Auckland’s FA Vase final, had muttered about the absurdly labelled croissants – “gastro culinary innovation” – in first class. This time a leaflet proclaims the pastries to be “lovingly hand crafted.”

Once bitten, we stoke up on sausage sandwiches, instead.

The younger bairn joins us in London. They’re off for pre-match drinks in the Green Man, a Wembley pub with – it’s said – three acres of beer garden, seven bars and ticketonly access for 2,000 Arsenal fans. The Emirates Stadium is showing the match on big screen and expecting 25,000.

I’m at the lunch, where the Duke of Cambridge – Aston Villa supporter and FA president – passes within a few inches but chooses not to speak.

To be fair, I say nowt to him, either.

Greg Dyke also presents the Duke with a rather large glass replica of the Cup. “I’m not sure what your wife will say. Just pretend you like it and that’ll do,” he says. “I’ll give it to Aston Villa,” says William.

Clearly it’s not quite the same as the West Auckland match the week previously. Key differences include: l At the FA Vase final, there aren’t zealots outside Wembley Park Underground station wondering if arrivals have been saved. (This is possibly because everyone knows that, for West Auckland folk, salvation is long since assured.) “At the FA Cup final, black market tickets are said to be changing hands for up to £1,600. They maybe weren’t quite as much as that at the Vase.

l The FA Vase chief guest was the Carlsberg sales manager.

A week later it’s His Royal Highness.

l On Saturday, lunch guests stopped eating their pudding when the Duke rose. When the FA Vase committee chairman got to his feet, they carry on spooning.

l The FA Cup final ball is pink, if not quite a shocking pink than a pretty surprising one.”

They wouldn’t have that sort of thing at Shildon,” someone says.

Greg Dyke also recalls that he himself was named man of the match at Wembley on the day of the 1987 final – a warm-up game between David Frost’s XI and Jimmy Tarbuck’s XI. The adjudicator was Jimmy Greaves.

“I was his boss at London Weekend Television,” says the chairman.

“I think he wanted a new contract.”

Greg Dyke also recalls that he himself was named man of the match at Wembley on the day of the 1987 final CLOUD NINE: Arsenal’s Thomas Vermaelen lifts the FA Cup THEN Cazorla scores. The Arsenal end echoes the song about really shaking them up; Arsene’s in and out like a particularly demented cuckoo clock.

After 90 minutes it’s 2-2. In extratime, Aaron Ramsey scores the winner and the elder bairn texts his wife. “If the next baby’s a boy, it’ll be called Aaron,” he says. If it’s a little girl, she’ll be called Ramsey, he adds.

Dads and lads meet up again in Icons Bar at the nearby Wembley Hilton, described as stylish, friendly and cool – then again, aren’t we all? – and no matter that beer’s £5 a pint. We’re joined by dozens of Hull City fans – subdued but sporting, Tigers who’ve earned their stripes.

No matter, either, that even at midnight there’s a huge tailback on the M1 south of Sheffield. It’s been a wonderful way to mark the 100-match milestone and to end the 3,283-day dearth – a ton wait memorably and abundantly at an end.