I’ll never think about Leonardo DiCaprio’s bum in the same way again. Nor Kate Winslet’s, Charlotte Rampling’s or even Eddie Redmayne’s.

All the actors are nominated for this year’s Oscars and as such will receive a goodie bag worth an eye-watering $232,000. To those who have…

This totally OTT bit of marketing includes breast lifts, car hire, a 15-day walking tour of Japan, a lifetime supply of skincare, a reusable bottle – the total bit of eco-friendliness – and £4,000 worth of pet food. But among the more bizarre items is a toilet roll. Useful, but definitely not your average Andrex. It’s not even on a roll. This loo paper is much too posh for that. It costs around £200 for the welcome pack and comes folded flat. It also comes with its own designer holder. But of course.

£200 to wipe your bum?

Not surprisingly, Gwyneth Paltrow, who seems increasingly bonkers, mentioned it on her Goop website as an ideal stocking-filler for people who have everything, including, presumably, a sensitive bottom. For your £200 you get “The most soothing and absorbent toilet paper in the world. Each individual sheet is a multi-layered microcosm of form and function. Tender virgin new growth fibres are refined with a pro-vitamin B5 and essential mineral coating for maximum skin protection.”

Insert your own vulgar and derisive comment here…

The welcome pack also includes a cleanser based on Swiss glacier water “collected from mountain springs in the region of Titlis, where it has been flowing unsullied for eons”. Just waiting since the dawn of time for you and your loo, obviously.

There’s also a moisturiser to spray on the paper before you use it “to complete the feeling of pristine perfection”. Just as well recipients will have plenty of loos in their homes or there’d be an awful long queue building up while they went through that palaver. It’s a long way from scratchy old Izal and even longer from the days of the Echo cut up in squares and stuck on a nail in the outside lav.

Pay £200 and you don’t even get anything to read . Now that really is a rip-off.

'IF you drive drunk, you, simply put, are a short-sighted, utterly useless, oxygen-wasting, human form of pollution, a Darwin Award-deserving, selfish coward,” said actress Dame Helen Mirren last weekend,

She was appearing in Budweiser’s be-sensible-about-drink advert on American TV in the middle of the Super Bowl – a sort of American football cup final on speed with Beyonce, Cold Play and 325 million gallons of beer. So Budweiser could easily afford a bit of image-boosting public service advertising.

For years too many TV adverts have been subtle to the point of utter confusion. And public service announcements try so hard not to offend us, they end up telling us nothing at all. Not the Budweiser ad. Wonderfully straightforward.

“If your brain was donated to science, science would return it. So stop it ... Don’t be a pillock,” it concludes.

I’m not sure that Americans know the word “pillock.”.They do now.

IT’S almost impossible just to walk into a school now, especially a primary school. Since the horrors of Dunblane when Thomas Hamilton walked in and shot dead fifteen children and a teacher, schools have become mini-fortresses. They have fences, gates, locks, security doors all to keep children safe inside. It’s when they get outside the trouble starts – all because of the parents.

The president of the National Association of Head Teachers this week said that parents’ bad parking is putting their children’s lives at risk. Easy to see how. Go past any school at the start and end of the school day and you’ll find cars parked higgledy piggledy, blocking entrances, obstructing traffic, restricting views. Parents double park and then let their children out straight into the traffic.

And that’s before you think of the standard of driving…

No wonder nearly 1,200 a month are involved in accidents near the school gates. Some schools are getting touch on inconsiderate and dangerous parking. Head teachers want more children to walk to school, if possible, or at least walk some of the way and park where there’s less congestion. But if children have to walk to school it means parents will have to walk too. It’s not the children who won’t walk –it’s the parents.

THE opening of a Jimi Hendrix museum – he used to live in the flat next to George Frideric Handel’s old home, which conjures up thoughts of bizarre jam sessions– has revealed that the wild man was surprisingly domestic. In between sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll he liked to play with Scalextric and watch Coronation Street. Apparently, he loved Ena Sharples. It’s not known if he ever wore a hairnet…

The prime minister’s mother Mary Cameron has apparently embarrassed her son by signing a petition against Tory cuts in his constituency. Good for her. It is part of a mother’s job description to embarrass her children. Good to see that even the Camerons aren’t immune.

I wouldn’t bank on a posh Mother’s Day gift though…