IS it just me, or do you find your wife going off at tangents in mid-conversation?

It honestly never used to be like this. Before we were married and had four kids, I’m sure we used to have relatively straightforward conversations. Not any more.

I’ll give you a recent example. I phoned my wife on her mobile from work to see if she wanted to see Tom Jones in concert at Alnwick Castle (just as well we didn’t go, as it turns out, because that was the night they had that power cut and everyone was left asking “why, why, why did we bother?”).

Anyway, this is how our telephone conversation went...

“Hi, I’ve got the chance of a couple of tickets to see Tom Jones in concert at Alnwick Castle. Do you fancy going?”

“Yes, that might be nice... oh, for goodness sake, there’s no toilet roll in the downstairs toilet!... mind you, it’s quite a long drive up to Alnwick, isn’t it.”

Do you see what I mean? I think she may be suffering from a condition which affects a lot of mums. It’s called tangentitis, and it can strike at any time.

I find the most common flare-ups involve totally unrelated conversations being interspersed with exclamations about the hair-dryer going missing, the laundry basket being full again, and the lights being left on. Socks are another known trigger. There was the time I was in London on business and, as promised, I phoned with contact details of where I was staying.

“Is the hotel nice enough?... oh, do you know, if I find one more sock on the floor, I’m going to scream... and have you got any idea what time train you’re getting back?”

But perhaps the most worrying bout of my wife’s tangentitis occurred the other day when we were in the middle of a quite serious telephone conversation about the health of our future brother-in-law who’d suffered a mysterious collapse at home. It was a bit worrying at the time and we were discussing the latest update from the hospital.

“Have you heard how Kevin’s doing?” I asked.

“They’re still doing tests... oh, can you believe it, there are no oven chips left and no one’s bothered to put them on the shopping list... but the good news is that they’ve ruled out a heart attack.”

For the record, Kevin’s back to full fitness, we’ve stocked up with oven chips and I’m doing my best to come to terms with my wife’s condition.

THE THINGS THEY SAY

THANKS to colleague Gavin Havery for telling me about what his four-year-old daughter Tilda said when they stopped at the traffic lights. There was a “no left hand turn” sign in front of them and Tilda asked her dad if he knew what it meant.

“No, I don’t!” replied Gavin, to see what Tilda would come up with.

In her most sincere voice, she said: “No boomerangs!”

DAVID Laud, of Hartburn, wrote to tell me how four-year-old daughter Georgie had been sent to sit on the bottom stair for behaving badly. After a couple of minutes, David approached to offer wise parenting words and noticed she was looking straight past him through a window. “What are you doing, Georgie?” he asked.

“I’m looking at the rooftops,” replied Georgie.

“Why?” David enquired.

Georgie: “Cos they’re more interesting than you...”

AND thanks to The Mayor of Darlington, Councillor Tom Nutt, for telling me about a recent visit to a fun day in the Denes area of the town. He was introduced to a little lad and asked him where he lived. The boy told him the name of his street and, keeping up the conversation, the Mayor asked: “And whereabouts is that?”

“Well, you should know – you’re the mayor!” came the abrupt reply.