Emmerdale (ITV1, 7pm); Peep Show (C4, 10.35pm); Johnny Cash: Country Gold (BBC4, 10pm)

WHAT'S this? Emmerdale reaching its 5,000th episode tonight and no celebrations.

No plane dropping from the sky, no house exploding, no bus carrying dozens of children and pregnant women crashing. No cull of much-loved characters.

Not even a mad bull charging through the Woolpack and savaging Edna's little Tootsie.

It's soap business as usual with the champagne and cake reserved for Tuesday's episode when Val marries Eric. Or not. The only thing that's certain in Soapland is that nothing is certain.

Equally uncertain is what you're going to see when you put on a preview DVD from a TV company. I was expecting Johnny Cash: The Last Great American and got Johnny Cash: Country Gold, although both are part of a BBC4 Johnny Cash Night.

Instead of a documentary about how the American singer put country music on a par with pop in terms of record sales, I was subjected to highlights from his US TV show that ran between 1969 and 1971.

The only interest here - unless you're a massive country fan - is seeing how Sixites it all looked. The massive hair, the blue outfits, the heavy make-up. And that's only the men.

"Hello, I'm Johnny Cash," he says, although I can't believe anyone needs to be told.

Tammy Wynette trills about standing by your man, although I wonder what she has in mind when she sings about "something warm to come to when the nights are cold".

Do they sell hot water bottles in Nashville?

And I worried about Cash telling us that "I shot a man in Reno just to see him die". This doesn't sound like responsible behaviour. But then the music world is a savage beast. Look at Peep Show as Jeremy and the deeply worrying Super Hans take to the road as a band called Curse These Metal Hands.

Mark, still fretting from the collapse of his marriage on his wedding day, insists on tagging along as roadie. He buys a new leather jacket especially for the occasion, although the prospect of a wild time on the road is spoiled by the wheelie suitcase he drags in his wake.

The band has a new manager, a ballbreaker of a woman named Cally who could probably bend iron bars with her teeth.

Ever-obliging Jeremy deems it essential for the sake of his career that he gives his new manager an orgasm. Easier said than done, a bunch of flowers would be a much simpler present.

She stops him halfway through their coupling.

"There's nothing going on here, we're just two planks of wood rubbing against each other," she tells her. She's worried about splinters probably.

Super Hans' plea that he's banned from certain countries in Europe (for activities, I assume, that would not be suitable for discussion in a family newspaper) doesn't really matter because they're going no further than a Wolverhampton festival. He's got a real rock'n'roll DVD to watch on the tour bus, The Barchester Chronicles.

Actually, they're not going to Wolverhampton after the organisers decide they don't want them. Instead, Cally gets them booked into a Christian rock festival.

THAT won't stop them having a wild time. How about making spliffs out of nutmeg and banana peel, suggests Jeremy.

Cally turns her attention to Mark who, like Jeremy, finds her standards in bed exacting.

"Is that the kind of thing you usually do?,"

she asks during sex, while admitting he's better than Jeremy.

"He's a red setter bounding after a tennis ball, you're like a captain solemnly going down with his ship. We can try again as long as you are prepared to let me tell you exactly what to do," says Cally.

Jeremy is not pleased that Mark has someone to tell him "what to put where and for how long" in bed. "That's cheating," he moans.

The Bafta award-winning Peep Show continues to mine areas from which other comedy shows steer well clear. It's funny, filthy and finely performed by Robert Webb, David Mitchell and Matt King as Super Hans.

Just one thing. Do they say: "Look no Hans," when he goes missing?