Vanessa’s in a real mess

Caught with their pants down, from left, Vanessa (Michelle Hardwick), Priya (Fiona Wade), Leyla (Roxy Shahidi) and Kirin (Adam Fielding)

Caught with their pants down, from left, Vanessa (Michelle Hardwick), Priya (Fiona Wade), Leyla (Roxy Shahidi) and Kirin (Adam Fielding)

First published in Soapwatch The Northern Echo: Photograph of the Author by

SCHOOL’S out and so is Vanessa the vet’s affair with young Kirin in Emmerdale (ITV1). She’s caught giving the 17-year-old extra-curricular lessons – biology, I think – by a surprised Leyla and Priya, whose other half is Kirin’s father.

That was an arranged marriage as Priya didn’t want to be a single mother and I bet she didn’t want a stepson who messes around with an older woman.

Kirin has been getting full marks between the sheets from Vanessa, thus avoiding getting six of the best (unless, of course, he’s into that sort of thing). This lady is for turning as it doesn’t seem five minutes since Vanessa had a crush on Rhona the other vet. Now she’s decided she wants a change, swapping girls for boys and learning the facts of heterosexual life from Kirin.

It won’t be long before the entire village learns of her affair, so will she expel Kirin from her bedroom? The demon drink is responsible for another coupling in the village as former husband and wife Dan and Ali hit the bottle at the prospect of son Sean joining the Army. The pair quit Sean’s leaving party and head for Dale Head Farm.

After one glass too many they start ripping off each other’s clothes. Who should walk in on their moment of passion than Kerry, recently dumped by Dan.

Peter Baldwin is also in bed in Coronation Street (ITV1) but not in a nice way. He’s banged up and boozed up. He’s at death’s door while he waits to be tried for the murder of Temptress Tina. His ex, Carla, goes to visit him in prison where he’s fighting for his life after drinking all of fellow inmate Jim McDonald’s illegal home brew. Carla needn’t have bothered because Peter only comes round long enough to accuse her of killing Tina, who was his lover. He tells her not to worry because he’s not going to tell anyone.

This sets Carla wondering – not recommended for someone with her limited knowledge – if Peter really did murder Tina. She confides in Rob, which is a silly thing to do on all levels because he’s the one whodunit. Take no notice of Peter, he tells her, he’s heavily medicated and not in his right mind. But who is in Soapland?

After the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth is Carol in EastEnders (BBC1).

Charlie isn’t her darling. She reckons he’s a liar and orders him to take a DNA test to prove he’s Dot’s grandson. Carol’s already had a shock when she answered Charlie’s phone and heard supposedly dead Nasty Nick. School isn’t the only thing that’s out.

So is Stacey. She’s released from jail after appealing against her conviction for killing Archie. She’s unhappy to hear that Whitney has been telling Stacey’s daughter Lily who her real father is. No wonder the poor child is confused. What’s it all about, Alfie? The man in the Moon is having a cash-flow crisis.

A letter threatening to evict him and Kat and their newborn twins alerts him to the fact that he doesn’t have the money to keep a roof over his head. Selling his car doesn’t raise enough cash.

So what does he do? The silly man tells Kat, whom he hopes to remarry soon, that he’s got a loan from the bank. But what’s he really going to do – rob a bank, empty the twins’ piggy bank or sell his body to the highest bidder?

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