Critical Risk Assessment of People and Presents at Yuletide… or ‘C-R-A-P-P-Y Christmas!’ Co written with Ali Milroy. (From The Northern Echo)

Critical Risk Assessment of People and Presents at Yuletide… or ‘C-R-A-P-P-Y Christmas!’ Co written with Ali Milroy.

9:24pm Wednesday 21st December 2011 in Cockfield

Aramis for Christmas?

Over the last few weeks I’ve been reading about the ’cut backs’ by Durham County Council, that will affect the lives of people in Cockfield. Health and safety initiatives are one of the so called reasons for cutting services, like the proposed closure of the Crag Wood amenity site, or Cockfield Tip to you and me!

DCC say one of the reasons for closing the ‘tip’ is that it’s ‘not fit for purpose’ and it would need a fortune spending on it to bring it into line with new environmental health and safety regulations. Included in the daft - sorry draft - regulations is the prevention of waste run off into the water course and - get this - issues with HGV’s working in the same area as the public. It’s a load of rubbish. Busses work in the same area as the public!

People have used the tip for as long as I can remember and I’ve NEVER heard of anyone coming into contact with a bin wagon. When they’re reversing it’s like a world war two air raid siren going off and, before anyone says ‘what about deaf people’, I’m sure they take as much - if not more - care as the rest of us. As for ‘waste run off’, pull the other one! We are NOT dropping off hazardous bio-fuels or nuclear fuel rods, it’s just a bit of garden rubbish or building rubble and we’ll need it even more if the proposed two weekly bin rounds come into effect in April 2012.

Can you imagine if these people were in charge of sorting out Christmas?

Here’s Ali Milroy’s take on the public notice’s that would be circulated!

Anybody planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.

The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, she/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last years well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without a crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.