What should have been a modern fairytale romance ended up with US woman Michaela Parry living in a women’s refuge thousands of miles from home. As the annual White Ribbon campaign against domestic abuse gets under way, the 30-year-old shares her story for the first time with Joanna Morris

COMPOSED, intelligent and working to take back control of her life, Michaela Parry is one of thousands of people nationwide proving there is no stereotype when it comes to suffering domestic abuse.

Speaking earnestly in an elegant living room at a Darlington’s Family Help refuge, she says abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of age, background or culture. The staff agree – every person they support has a different story to tell, with the modern world presenting new challenges by the day.

Michaela – like many these days – met the love of her life on the internet, moving thousands of miles to be by his side in the North-East of England.

Away from her loved ones, pregnant within months and isolated in a new country, the online romance soon spiralled into a controlling and abusive relationship.

“I met him on Facebook, he came to visit me and he proposed, I came to England, we married and I fell pregnant quickly,” she says. “I moved over here for love but it soon became nothing like a normal relationship.The relationship was difficult at first but manageable until I became ill when I was pregnant.”

Michaela’s pregnancy brought with it the initial stages of a campaign of verbal, mental and sexual abuse that would last five years.

Like many abusers, her partner never beat her, instead waging war on her mind with manipulation, control and coercion.

“He would say I was embarrassing him and making him look bad. I once collapsed in a supermarket and he walked away, only coming over when the ambulance was called.”

Already struggling to make connections in a country far away from her American home, Michaela was further isolated by her controlling husband.

“I was not allowed friends or to talk to my family - if they called, I’d only be allowed to say certain things.”

In another trait common to perpetrators of abuse, the man worked to undermine Michaela’s confidence: “I had no confidence and didn’t believe I was pretty or talented, I was constantly told I was fat and ugly and not worth the time of day. I have an autistic son and I was constantly told I wasn’t a good mother to him, everything was my fault. Even when I told him I was having thoughts of self-harm, he told me he was treating me badly so that I could understand how he felt.”

After five years, Michaela made the decision to flee, seeking help from her young son’s school.

She says: “It took me a long time to make the move and I needed a lot of convincing, but I did it.”

Michaela has now been living at Family Help Darlington for more than seven months as she attempts to arrange a return to the US.

The battle against abuse does not always end with the relationship – Michaela is currently embroiled in a fight to take her son to the US, against her husband’s efforts to hamper the move.

She is using her remaining time at the refuge wisely, learning about the nature of domestic abuse and speaking out in an attempt to encourage others to flee damaging relationships.

“Arriving here was heartbreaking, my world had been torn apart and I’d spent so many years living a life that was not a life.

“Leaving everything you know to come to a place like this is terrifying, you don’t know how it will turn out but ultimately I’m safe now. Refuges mean safety, stability and tons of support – I’m slowly starting to live normally.

To others, she says: “Anyone who recognises they’re being abused should do what they can to get out.

“Domestic abuse is sneaky, you don’t always know you’re in it until you realise what it is.

“It’s not always physical, it’s coercion, manipulation, control – people need to know about it so that they can avoid it.

“Everyone in that situation is better than it and they deserve better for themselves, their children and families.

“They have worth and deserve to know that they do.”

Darlington’s Family Help refuge has helped hundreds of families since it opened almost 40 years ago.

To support their efforts, search for Family Help CIO on givingabit.com.

For help with domestic abuse, call the refuge’s helpline on 01325-364486.

The White Ribbon campaign aims to end violence against women by encouraging men to discuss and reflect on the issue of domestic abuse, which affects approximately one in four women and one in six men. More information: whiteribboncampaign.co.uk