I AM delighted to see that the Church of England has decided to pardon the devil and to remove all mention of his Satanic Majesty from modern services. The CoE is a terrifically progressive outfit these days embracing every aspect of diversity. For a church which now ordains women priests and consecrates women bishops, it was frankly scandalous that Satan should still suffer from what the social workers call “exclusion”.

Really, you know, we have given the devil a hell of a hard time. All those harsh words in the Bible about consigning him and his angels to the lake of fire. Good God, that amounts to a hate crime. Now belatedly this chauvinism and discrimination has been remedied.

I see that The Most Reverend Oilwelby is to host a Great Ecumenical Service in Westminster Abbey – with lots of kissing and aisle-dancing - to which the powers of hell will be invited. Satan himself was on the guest list but he sent his apologies and promised to send his ambassador Stephen Fry to come along and say a few words about himself on the day.

Of course, diehards, reactionaries and the whole phalanx of stuffed-shirt traditionalists have objected and say that to pardon the devil is to go against the teaching of the Bible and The Book of Common Prayer. To these hopeless throwbacks I say simply: “Look, the church altered the Bible and the Prayer Book to allow women priests and bishops. Why shouldn’t the church alter these books to admit the devil as our friend?”

The Liturgical Commission of the General Synod has also announced that significant alterations are to be made to the church’s annual calendar of saints. The feast days of saints such as St Peter, St Paul and St Mary Magdalene will be retained, of course.

But to these will be added new names to reflect our reconciliation with Satan. It is widely tipped that some of the new names to be included will be Vlad the Impaler, Lucretia Borgia, the Marquis de Sade and Jack the Ripper.

No doubt objections to their inclusion in the new calendar of satanic inclusivity will be made by the usual gang of tiresome traditionalists and ecclesiastical old farts in some of the more backward rural and middle class parishes.

Of course, there will have to be significant alterations made to the church’s theological vocabulary.

For example, “sin” will have to go – suggesting as it does that there is a difference to be made between good and evil. “Hell” has had such a bad name and for so long. This we intend urgently to remedy by laying on day trips there to allow people to see that things are not as we formerly imagined and that the devil’s pitchfork is really only a harmless toasting fork. And elderly Anglicans who wisely book their outing to hell in the winter months will save no end on their fuel bills.

“Get thee behind me Satan,” has already been revised in our new worship books to say: “From now on, Nick old boy, you shall lead from the front on all the annual Devil’s Pride Parades in all our major cities and cathedral towns." But some will ask: “What about the big question, the Last Judgement, some going to heaven and the rest consigned to hell?” All that will be changed.

From now on heaven and hell will be amalgamated into a single wonderful regime – rather like a supernatural version of the EU.

Better the devil you know.