Party animals

‘I LOVE squishing with my hands, whipping, grating,”

says Natalie, making me wonder if this week’s Come Dine With Me was serving up an S&M dinner party.

Then she qualifies her words. “All the things that get you right into the food.”

Nat is one of four cooks hosting dinner parties for each other, making the meals and hoping to win the £1,000 cash prize.

It seems unlikely Nat, Carla (“I do like a bit of a cat fight”) and Sharon (“the grande dame of dinner parties”) will ever stop bitching and picking on lone man David long enough to eat their food.

When Nat says that she’s “laying on a black forest pudding”, my imagination went into overdrive. Where would she put the cherries, I asked myself.

She wants to know everyone’s personal details. Have you got a husband or aren’t you into men,” she demands to know of Sharon.

“I’m married to a man,” Sharon confirms.

“I’m married to a man,” echoes Carla.

“I’m divorced from a pig,” adds Nat.

Christian charity project worker David gets the first dinner party off to a raucous start by rummaging around in his pocket while telling Nat he has “a little thing for you”. It’s a box of chocolates.

Sharon’s not impressed, possibly because he doesn’t believe in star signs and astrology as he’s a Christian. “He needs to be a bit more dynamic,” is her prediction.

His table manners offend her. He texts during the meal, drops food, doesn’t listen to other people’s conversation and insists on putting his nose to the plate to sniff the food.

Nat is equally tart about what’s served up. Sharon’s fish dish is put down with the comment, “the most enjoyable thing about the starter was sucking the head of the prawn”.

Meanwhile, David has to contend with no end of innuendo. “Oh David, you’ve finished quickly. The story of my life,”

says Sharon, observing his clean plate.

Then, surprise surprise, he serves up a meal that impresses them all. “I’m gutted,”

admits Nat. “I never thought I was going to enjoy it so much.”

The celebs trying to get out of the jungle have proved an entertaining bunch, not least because of ex-Dollar singer David Van Day stirring things up.

The makers, though, are going to have to find even more terrifying, yukky, revolting bushtucker trials for the next series.

The current celebs have sailed through the tasks, like eating animal genitalia or shinning up very tall masts.

A word of praise too for presenters Ant and Dec, who’ve been on top form throughout. The king or queen of the jungle is crowned tonight, which will be great for them – and for us as it means the end of those irritating Kerry and Biggins ads from the sponsors.

The point of The World’s Strongest Man eludes me. Men with muscles pick up heavy objects to prove their strength.

So what?

The characters include Travis, who is “a man of impeccable taste” according to the commentator. Not because of his strongman powers but because he’s married an English girl.

While everyone else picks up giant tyres or 400lb weights, contestant David contents himself by lifting two bikiniclad beauties, balancing one on each arm.

I reckon commentator Nick Halling is taking his life in his hands when referring to one competitor as a “pretty boy from Boston”.

The final game has an It’s A Knockout ring to it. Competitors must put giant round stones, weighing up to 420lbs each, into metal eggcups. For once Halling gets it right when he says: “Not a ball you’d want to drop.”