THEY'RE slap happy in Emmerdale (ITV1) as the village gossips go into overdrive about Alicia and her teenage admirer Leering Lachlan. The lad has been stalking and spying on Alicia for some months. He'd been watching porn on his laptop and decided he'd like the real thing in the not unshapely shape of married Alicia.

The White family, who've been nothing but trouble since they moved into the Big House, are angry about the allegations surrounding Lecher Lachlan and innocent (well, not that innocent) Alicia.

The brave girl puts on a bold front (one of the things Lachlan admires about her) and goes off to do a shift behind the bar at the Woolpack. Alas, gossiping Georgia lets loose with a few unpleasant remarks about Alicia to which Alicia's sister Leyla takes exception and slaps Georgia across the face.

This situation is bad for everyone, not least Lachlan, who should be doing his homework not lusting after Alicia. There have been rumours about his past behaviour that haven't been fully revealed yet so I'm beginning to wonder if he isn't a serial stalker. But it's safe to say he's not the person responsible for trying to run over new mum Kim in EastEnders (BBC1).

She's walking along minding her own business when a car almost mows her down. I wouldn't be surprised if it didn't have something to do with the father – whoever he is – of her new-born baby Pearl. He's something of a mystery man about whom Kim has not been forthcoming.

Kim isn't hurt in the motor incident, but clearly shaken and stirred enough to run into the pub and lock the doors.

Elsewhere in Albert Square, there's bad news for Whitney when boyfriend Lee informs her that he's going back into the army. He marches into the front room, presents arms (and legs etc) and tells her he's leaving her for the lads. That's not very fair on her because she opted to stay behind with him in the Square when her family, ie Bee-anchor and the kids, upped sticks and moved to Milton Keynes. Can you blame her? Who'd want to live in Milton Keynes? (Answers on a post card please).

Time to go to prison in EastEnders (BBC1). Sharon has a visiting order to see Dot Cotton who has 'fessed up to killing her son Nasty Nick. She didn't actually hit the lad with a frying pan or poison his corn flakes. Instead she supplied him with drugs and then let him die when he had a bad reaction that caused him to pop his clogs.

Dot maintains she was to blame and wants to be punished, which makes her sound like the heroine of that Shady book about S&M. This shouldn't be confused with M&S, although Dot probably thinks a walnut whip is a piece of equipment used by a dominatrix.

The year hasn't started well for Anna in Coronation Street (ITV1) and things aren't going to get any better. The arrival of boyfriend Owen's ex-wife Linda hasn't exactly been all sweetness and light. Now Anna's daughter, Faye, is feeling unwell... and putting on weight. No one puts two and two together and gets four. Anna just thinks it's a phase – not a baby.

There's always a risk when you nick someone's identity that the real person will turn up. Andy knows that to his cost because the real Gavin, the man he's been impersonating for the past few months, turns up unexpectedly. It could be the last straw for Gavin's dad, Michael, when he finds out. Michael has a dicky ticker, and this could tip him over the edge.