THE bridegroom is late because he's wondering what Katie did next in Emmerdale (ITV1). Robert, who is marrying Chrissie, has been snogging Aaron. Robert, who is Andy's brother, snogged Katie when she was married to Andy the first time. Katie has married Andy again (the phrase 'glutton for punishment' comes to mind) but is obsessed with proving that Robert is having an affair with someone whose name begins with A.

Having made a fool of herself by claiming publicly A stands for Alicia, Katie finally gets proof that A is for Aaron. Before that her and Andy's temporary caravan home explodes, thanks to Robert. It's a warning to Katie to stop poking her nose in his affairs.

She gets help from an unexpected quarter – Aaron, the jealous lover who doesn't want Robert and Chrissie to marry because he knows Robert intends to end their rolls in the hay and be faithful to his wife.

Then Aaron informs Katie where she can get a picture of Robert and his lover. Imagine her surprise when she finds Robert and Aaron in each other's arms, lips locked and doing the dirty. It's a wonder she can keep her hands steady enough to take a picture with her phone. But wait, she's forgotten something. No, not that she's got her finger over the lens, but that it makes a noise when she presses the button.

Robert is in deep do-do, left trying to figure out whether to race to his wedding or keep Katie quiet for good. Back in the Woolpack it's all kicking off too. It's those Barton boys again, squabbling over the reappearance of long-lost mum Emma. While Finn and Ross are happy to see her, Pete's still resentful. When Ross loses patience with him and grabs him aggressively by the collar in the pub, Pete finally spills the beans – Emma tried to smother Ross when he was a child. Not so much mother love as smother love.

Things are no more peaceful in Walford where brothers Mad Mick and Dirty Dean square up to each other in EastEnders (BBC1). They didn't discover they were brothers until last year, which was a good thing for Dean as it prevented Mick pummelling him to within an inch of his life for raping Mick's wife Linda.

As word spreads about the attack, Dean finds his Blades hair salon short of both staff, who've walked out, and clients, who haven't walked in. Then Mick arrives, not to have a short back and sides, but to confront Dean. Quick, lock anything with a sharp edge in a drawer.

More threats and lies in Coronation Street (BBC1) as David Platt is forced to help drug-dealing scumbag Callum when Soapland police come to arrest him. One of Soapland's unfortunate tug-of-love children is at the centre of the drama as Callum threatens to tell young Max that he's his real father. What's more, he says he's off to see his solicitor about gaining more access to Max. Giving the cops a false alibi is what David must do to keep in Callum's good books.

I'd like to turn to happier things – but I can't because, as we all know, Soapland is a pit of despair. The time has finally come to scatter the ashes of dear departed Hayley. Roy hasn't been able to bring himself to do it yet, having pulled out of scattering in Blackpool last year. Now he's in a better place, namely a local boating lake which was the scene of his and Hayley's first kiss. He scatters her ashes and decides not to sell their beloved Morris Minor – nicknamed Woody for reasons I dare not ask – and press ahead with his driving lessons.