IT'S Christmas Eve in the Finnigan household and a petulant ten-year-old Holly drags her giant teddy on stage and announces that Christmas is rubbish, she never gets what she wants from Santa.

Her faithful stepdad, Bernard (a barking mad Gary Kitching), is decorating the tree with tasty bacon bits and ham.

Holly is disgusted that her mother has married a horrible dog; all she wants for Christmas is her real dad, but she has a plan to trick Santa... and that’s all the plot you get. I would not want to spoil your delight as this little piece of bonkers festive theatre unfolds.

Get Santa is written by Anthony Neilson and directed with a great sense of humour by Northern Stage’s artistic director, Lorne Campbell. Designer Garance Marneur’s traditional Christmas living room has very clever advent calendar wallpaper. The superbly silly, sidestepping singing snowmen make great use of every window.

Tessa Parr’s Holly has all the traits of hyper-active spoiled child. She is totally inside the mind of a ten-year-old – beautifully observed and performed.

Santa’s little helper, Bumblehole, is a Tom Walton surprise of energy and utter madness. Scott Turnbull’s giant teddy, with a Russian accent, gives bears a brilliant evil twist and Jane Holman’s excellent singing granny keeps her tattoos well hidden.

Special mention for ITV’s Rachel Sweeny and BBC’s Sharuna Sager for their Pythonesque television reportage.

Northern Stage should be properly proud of this production. It makes pants out of panto and is uproariously and hilariously the best Christmas show I have seen. Ever.

It just remains for me to give you a little advice. Get Santa tickets right now.

Until December 27 (various times). Box office: 0191-230-5151, northernstage.co.uk

Helen Brown