THEY’RE billing the latest confrontation on the cobbles as The Battle of the Bitches, which isn’t a very nice thing to say about two ladies, but then we are talking about Terrible Tracy and Cunning Carla in Coronation Street (ITV1). They are, of course, fighting over a man. Namely Rob – Carla’s brother and Tracy’s ex-fiance, currently enjoying life at Her Majesty’s pleasure (but not a word to Prince Philip).

He killed Temptress Tina and was turned in to the police by Carla on his wedding day to Tracy, who in turn shopped him to the police. Betrayed by two women, that’ll teach him.

Anyway, Tracy hasn’t got over it yet and blames Carla for everything, like the fact that she’s a wreck both emotionally and financially. Her business Barlow’s Buys is struggling to make money, plus she needs a large wad to pay for the wedding-that-never-was. Carla’s business Underworld, on the other hand, is going from strength to strength as the bottom doesn’t fall out of the knicker business (unless you’re Kim Kardashian, a woman who has no need to ask, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’).

Revenge is Tracy’s plan, so finding Rob’s keys to Underworld decides to pay the factory a visit and trash the place. Unfortunately, she’s in mid-trash when Carla arrives back and before you can say "catfight" the pair are tearing each other’s hair out.

What we all need is a nice happy wedding to cheer everyone up. But as we all know Soapland doesn’t do nice and happy when two people get wed. Murder, mutilation, betrayal, bust-ups or at the very least a punch-up in the local pub are the order of the day. Emmerdale (ITV1) does offer something out of the ordinary – vicar Harriet gets arrested at the ceremony.

Ali and Ruby are the couple plighting their troth. There’s a slight problem when the registrar booked to conduct the ceremony dies the night before the wedding. How very inconvenient, not to say inconsiderate, of them. No worry, Emmerdale vicar and former policewoman Harriet agrees to officiate. But the past catches up with her, namely that she’s been looking at confidential police files during a former colleague’s retirement do. She’s been trying to find out what happened to Ali’s missing daughter Rachel, but forgotten about the police station CCTV watching her every move. That doesn’t say much for her detection skills.

Ali and Ruby’s pre-wedding ritual, renamed a lesbi-hen-do in honour of their gender, sees the Rev Harriet joining in the fun and kissing a woman. No, sorry that’s wrong. She kisses the former Rev Ashley, who is dressed up as a woman to enable him to crash the lesbi-hen-do.

That’s not the only gender-bending happening in the Yorkshire-set soap. Newly-returned Robert Sugden, who’s engaged to the lord of the manor’s daughter, Chrissie, continues a love-hate relationship with Aaron. He lures him to a secluded roadside spot and snogs him. Then heads home to bed fiancée Chrissie. This is known as having your cake and eating it. Was the kiss with Aaron a one-off or likely to become an affair to remember?

Sonia isn’t herself in EastEnders (BBC1). She looks under the weather, claiming at first that she’s got a hangover. She finally comes clean and says she’s been away at a boot camp to try to shed a few pounds. But has she also “shed” the money raised by residents’ saucy calendar?

While celebrating losing the most weight among slimming club Fat Blasters members, Sonia collapses. Clearly something is seriously wrong with the woman who, if you remember, started going into labour blissfully unaware that she was pregnant.